What do I want

What do I want out of life....

I want to be happy. I want to have a family. I want to go to school, and be able to support that family. I want lots of kids. I want to pay off my debt and start fresh. I want to own a house again. I want to play derby as long as my body will allow. I want to be healthy so I can be the best possible parent for my children.

What do I need to do:
Make it through the next 1.5 years and get into school as soon as possible. Work hard to pay down my debt. Get my license back and get a car with insurance. Continue with personal goals, both internal and external, and become a stronger, healthier, happier person.

Well, im back.

I have reached a place in life where, if I do not make some serious internal changes, I feel as if I will never reach a true emotional happiness. I tend to be a happy person, and see the good side of things. But I have struggled with severe anxiety my whole life, and it has adversely affected me in many ways. There are days where my body ACHES in the evening because I have been so tense all day. I remember having this feeling in childhood, it has always been with me.

I have always been a forward thinker, mentally calculating what will happen in a week, a month, a year from now. In some ways it is good, it keeps me motivated. In other ways, it is disastrous. Such as in my personal relationships. I am a very emotional and attached person. While I am able to find my own happiness, my greatest joy in life comes from others. I also absolutely despise being alone for any length of time. In that, I tend to get incredibly attached to the people in my life. Whereas a friend may laugh me off as "clingy", my romantic partners have to deal with it on a whole other level.
I am the person who misses you when you are in the shower, because I want to be next to you. Most people find it sweet at first, and then quickly decide it is just annoying. Theres another side to relationship anxiety for me though. "Living in the moment" is not something I have ever been able to do. While I can wholeheartedly and passionately enjoy every second, a small part of my mind is still living in the future. Most of the time I can ignore it. But if something triggers that part of my brain, its over. This end up putting unintentional stress and guilt on my partner, and making us both miserable. I have struggled with this in ALL of my past relationships. I truly mean well, but yet somehow I cant reign in these issues. I take FULL responsibility for my own actions, and am not using anxiety as an excuse for anything. I am simply trying to find a way to get past it.

Currently these issues have caused the dissolution of a relationship that I had intended to be in for the rest of my life. My inability to be happy and satisfied with the time we were spending together and not sad that it was going to come to an end eventually got to be TOO much stress and guilt for her to handle. Of course there is a larger back story to this, one that maybe I will write about at some point, but for now these are the facts. A quote I read the other day kind of summed it up for me. "If you live with one foot planted in the future, and one in the past, you are pissing on the present." And thats pretty much what ive done.

I dont believe in ever changing yourself to suit another. That is not what I am trying to do. I want to deal with my personal issues in order to become a better, healthier person for myself; which in turn will help me to be a better partner.

Ok, enough blabbering for now. Im off to research!

Loving every minute of it!

Its been a while. Almost a month. I cant even begin to explain all the things that have happened in that time. But im going to try.

On July 29th I received an email reply to a craigslist add I had posted looking to meet people. Her name was Michelle, and we exchanged more than 30 emails the next day. Things were quiet for a few days, and then I text her. We were soon averaging at least 500 sent/received text each day to each other. We started to learn about each other. She was very adamant that she is strictly monogamous. I was set in my polyamory. We were both willing to put those things aside to get to know each other. She had been in a 10 year relationship and had two kids from that. She was cautious about dating but said that the things she was doing werent working out for her, and that caused her to stray from her normal way of doing things and email me. I told her many of my own stories and was 100% honest, as always. We soon began making plans for me to visit. We were both a bit apprehensive in this very new situation, but wanted to try it. We went in with mutual understanding and no expectations at all.
On August 11th my Dad and BK dropped me off at Michelles house in Prosser. Her two children were waiting outside for me to arrive. I grabbed my bag, waved goodbye to my dad, and went inside. I akwardly hugged Michelle. We'd talked about the initial meeting probably feeling weird, but that we were sure we would get over it quickly. And we did. In no time at all we were talking and laughing. I was cleaning the kitchen after she cooked dinner with one kid riding piggy-back the whole time. We slept at night with my arms wrapped around her. We were constantly touching in some subtle way all day and night. I stayed for three nights that first visit. On August 14th, as we drove to meet my friend on the last day, she held my hand in the car. My heart fluttered the whole way.
We missed each other instantly. The text messages flew. We both felt more strongly than we had ever imagined we would. I already wanted to be back with her. We spent all week anxious for me to come back. On August 17th Michelle and I were talking through text. She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I would be intetested in a relationship with her. Then she asked if I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I said yes.
On August 19th Michelle and the kids drove to Ellensburg and picked me up. All the way to Prosser we either held hands, or her hand was on my leg, or my arm around her shoulder. We touched in some way the whole trip. Once back at her house things picked up where the left off, but even better. We were affectionate now even when the kids were around. It was the last weekend before school started so we wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. We played in the pool, watched movies, and went to Chuck E Cheeses.
On August 21st I got online and went to the school district website where Michelle works. There was an employment listing for a Paraprofessional with ASL skills. My heart skipped a beat. For this listing to even exist was huge; the town is small. I excitedly showed Michelle the listing. We became caught in a whirlwind of excitement and fear. She started calling around and asking about the position, I started editing my resume. We talked about what it would mean for me to get the job, that I would move to Prosser.... I was so nervous I called a dear friend that has always been a second Mom to me. I tried my best to explain the situation. That Michelle and I hardly knew each other but things had never felt so right. After a long conversation, my friend told me to go for it.

The next day we found out that the position had been filled. My heart sank. The euphoric cloud we had been riding on dissolved before our eyes. Then we had to decide what to do. Was the idea of me moving in based purely on the job listing? That is what brought the subject up, but I refused to let it be what diminished the thought as well. We had been given a sign. We decided that we both wanted me to be there, not to leave. That I would figure out the job situation, and move to Prosser. Move in with Michelle. Fear controlled my body at this point.

In August 25th I made a very hard phone call. I had to end my relationship with Lynn. Part of moving in with Michelle would mean monogamy. The thought was terrifying. I had only recently found polyamory and never thought I could live any other way. But there was no doubt in my mind of my heart that what I felt with Michelle was right. Hurting Lynn hurt me very much, because I DO care about her. She was wonderful about it, of course. She is a truly good person, and I hope that the world treats her accordingly.

On August 27th Mary (my mom) came to Prosser to pick me up. I had spent 11 out of the past 16 nights with Michelle. It felt like it had been years. I couldnt stay gone long, though, and returned to Prosser five days later and im still here. Applying for jobs and trying to get things in order for that.
Leaving Ellensburg will be hard in some ways. I wont be able to continue with derby for a while (though I will still be skating as much as possible.) I wont be able to continue with CHCI. I will be living in a town where I dont know anyone and my friends will be far away. But I plan to spend a weekend or two a month in Eburg. To go to Yakima and the Tri-Cities often. To be social and happy. All the fear has now subsided. There is nothing I want more than this. I grew up wanting a house and family. I thought I found it at a young age, but I was too young and jumped in too quick and it went to shit. This happened a few times. Finally, I stopped looking. I had resigned myself to having kids by myself and always having multiple relationships. And then this all just fell into my lap. I went into a situation with no expectations and I found everything I ever wanted.

Michelle makes me laugh. We never stop laughing. We never stop touching (speaking of which- the sex is AMAZING. Seriously. Best sex ive ever had.) Everything about this feels so right. When she goes to work I love staying home to clean and do laundry. When the kids crawl into bed sick in the middle of the night there is still nowhere i'd rather be. Shes willing to move when its time for me to go to school. She knows about my plans for children and wants to be a part of it. She wants to travel with me. Every moment of every day feels like a gift when we are together. She does things like buying me a souvenir cup when we went to Chuck E Cheese because she knew I would enjoy it. She celebrates my childish habits rather than berating me for them. She encourages me to do things I love rather than making me choose between her and those things. She is absolutely wonderful. This is everything I have ever wanted and more, and I cant wait for the future.

Life hates me.

Fantastic day turned pretty awful :-(

My soon-to-be roomie and I went apartment hunting today. Saw a couple places... and FELL IN LOVE. There is an apartment i've wanted to live in since I was 13. In all honesty at this point I kinda figured that I had idolized it and it wouldnt be as cool as I remember. It wasnt. It was SO MUCH BETTER. Its a second story apartment above some stores downtown. 20 foot high ceilings, hardwood floors, tons of space. A rooftop deck with couches and a BBQ. A loung-y area for tenants with a pool table, piano, and BAR. It makes being away from campus and paying a little bit more SOOOOO worth it. PLUS she can keep her bunny and I can have Dash!
So in order to get this place we need to give him $200 to hold it and then $850 for the first months rent and $650 for a deposit by September 1st. We sat around talking finances and I came home to start my fall quarter loan request so that i'd have the cash. And then... I got denied. I wont qualify for any other loans, including private loans, even with a cosigner, until im 24. So no school... and no apartment.
I actually cried. I cried because after all this work to get into school, its still not working out. I cried because I want this apartment SO much, and my chances of getting it were just slashed to like 10%.
Ive applied for pretty much every open position in Ellensburg in the last 4 hours. But even if I get a job theres no way i'll have $850 by September 1st.
I feel like life hates me :(

Full.

I am full of emotions. So many new situations and experiences are happening right now. I fell peaceful, frightened, excited, unsure, enlightened.... I feel hopeful for the future and thankful to the past... I feel ready.

Good things.

Having a very lazy day today due to (what I assume is) a torn thigh muscle. I hurt it a month or so ago while skating and then re-injured it a couple weeks later... and I gave it the final blow at the river yesterday. So ive spent the day on the couch with ice packs and ace bandages, and ill be off skates for a while.
Yesterday was fabulous other than that though, went up to Teanaway with a friend and enjoyed the river all day!
Headed to Wenatchee tomorrow for derby and a BBQ. My first day of shadowing at CHCI is on Sunday.
I've got a roommate lined up and we're looking at places in town, and ive applied for a few jobs. Things are looking good.

Interesting turn of events romance-wise as of late. Met a lovely woman online and plan to spend a few days with her next week. Had a bit of a fling with a friend and we are having a day out (with wine) soon, so we'll see where that goes. Surely cant complain on either count :)

Because I can.

April 2010-ish.