:)

Im hoping to have a date with a beautiful girl, WR, next week. Someone i've been friends with for a while but we've only hung out in person a few times (and then we were both heavily under the influence of alcohol). So the goal is to finally hang out for an extended period next week. It will be a lovely break from all the emotional heartache recently. And hopefully quite a bit of fun as well :)

If I was going to be smart about all this and give my poor head and heart a break I would focus on seeing WR. That would be intelligent. But thats just silly. I never make the smart, easy choice! So I will continue to think about 89. But hopefully now at least I will have some rest time for my brain!

food for thought.

a few lines from a chat i was having today.

i dont agree with making someone a better person. it took me a long time to realize that. i dont agree with being someones happiness, either. you should not MAKE someone better but help bring out the good that is inside them. you should not be WHAT makes them happy but be the reason the understand their own personal happiness. you have to take responsibility for YOURSELF.

erm... that sounded like a philosophy major with a hangover lol
we grow up hearing "my other half". its not like that though. we must be whole in order to love fully. your partner should just compliment you, not complete you.

Degrees of separation vs. attachment

I have weird attachment issues. I get attached very quickly, be it platonic or romantic. I crave physical connection in my relationships, both platonic and romantic. If I am loyal to you, I will kill for you or die for you. When people in my life feel pain, it makes me hurt. I hat to be alone. I want to have people around me 24/7. I get anxiety and become depressed when I dont have face-to-face social time frequently, as well as if I am lacking in physical contact.
Ive realized recently that on top of all of those things, I also have attachment to certain people outside of my personal circle yet still in my "network". Assuming you are a friend of my close friend, I will often impose my feelings of that person on to you to an extent. I find myself protective of those people. I cant quite put this into words. And I dont have an example I can use without incriminating people at the moment. But it may be something that I re-visit in the future.

Which way to go.

You know, its a little frustrating. I'm stuck somewhere between really wanting to just forget about 89 and not being willing to let her go. I know the healthiest thing is to just cut my losses and move on. But im not satisfied. Two weeks was not enough. I know we can have more than that, be better than that. And I just cant let go without answers. Without knowing why.

Friends?

You know those Facebook status' that say "We all have at least (however many) friends, but how many are TRUE friends" blah blah blah? I dont re-post shit like that. Its boring and silly. But sometimes I DO feel that way. Like when I get 13 'likes' on a picture (which I appreciate, mind you) and I see my friends posting all over FB but no one has time to text me or reply to my text. Its a bit disheartening, really. I'll admit to being a Facebook (and technology/social networking in general) junkie, but I still thrive on person-to-person contact and interaction.

I made a decision based on this today. As to the slew of people who havent been replying to me recently, im done texting them. It will be their choice to contact me first.

Insecurities.

I have an insecurity that I've never really shared with anyone. It comes and goes, which is probably why I am able to ignore it most of the time. However, on occassion, it really gets to me.
Many of my friends are highly intelligent people. Their daily conversation and interests tend to encompass all sorts of worldly things; politics, history, and the like. I am interested in those things... but I dont necessarily always understand them. When I was younger I would pride myself on intelligence and knowledge. But I reached a point where I kind of dropped off the face of the earth and it took me a few years to climb back out of that black hole. And now I find myself lost on and off in my daily life. I listen to people talk on campus and realize I dont comprehend a good amount of what they are talking about. And it scares me. I dont want to be that person. I worry some days that my friends will realize im slow and shallow and want nothing to do with me. Im hoping that awareness of all of this as well as being a functioning member of society again will help me get to a point where I am comfortable.

I have accepted and moved past insecurities surrounding other parts of myself. My personality can be intense and overbearing; im clingy and crave physical contact. I can come off as kind of a creeper, but I mean well. I hope people take the time to get to know me before they cast me off for these reasons. But if they dont take the time I try to just accept that my life is better without them.

Skirting around!

I went shopping yesterday and picked up two skirts and a girls tank, and a pair of fishnets and new laces for derby. Discussing my skirt with a friend she said "every so often i dig up the old skirts I have in my closet, but even just standing there in my room, it makes me feel naked and awkward." And it reminded me of a time, only a year or two ago, when I was trying on my old roommates girly clothes. My roomie and girlfriend at the time both said I looked great, but mentally I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. I panicked, for whatever reason, having those clothes on. And now, such a short time later, im happily purchasing skirts at Old Navy! I still have days where im not 100% comfortable, but those moments typically related to body image issues or worries over visibility of sexual preference. Its quite a good feeling, really :)