I have an insecurity that I've never really shared with anyone. It comes and goes, which is probably why I am able to ignore it most of the time. However, on occassion, it really gets to me.
Many of my friends are highly intelligent people. Their daily conversation and interests tend to encompass all sorts of worldly things; politics, history, and the like. I am interested in those things... but I dont necessarily always understand them. When I was younger I would pride myself on intelligence and knowledge. But I reached a point where I kind of dropped off the face of the earth and it took me a few years to climb back out of that black hole. And now I find myself lost on and off in my daily life. I listen to people talk on campus and realize I dont comprehend a good amount of what they are talking about. And it scares me. I dont want to be that person. I worry some days that my friends will realize im slow and shallow and want nothing to do with me. Im hoping that awareness of all of this as well as being a functioning member of society again will help me get to a point where I am comfortable.
I have accepted and moved past insecurities surrounding other parts of myself. My personality can be intense and overbearing; im clingy and crave physical contact. I can come off as kind of a creeper, but I mean well. I hope people take the time to get to know me before they cast me off for these reasons. But if they dont take the time I try to just accept that my life is better without them.
Everyone has their area of expertise and interest, so it always seems this way. Most of what I know about sign language I either over heard, learned in a two hour class about general disabilities or from an episode of Law and Order! Most of it is probably not even true! I have no idea about roller derby. (There is no ball or anything, just a bunch of fierce chicks on skates. I gather they make points for their team by passing people?) And I have no idea about interpersonal relationships and generally about how to behave in public, especially around other women. They either accept that I am a huge dork with no filter, or they don't. Compared to me, you are a savant in all of those things. I am kick ass at organic chemistry, enzymes, and maybe literature. Everyone has their areas, but no one is smart in everything; don't sell yourself short. I have never considered you to be anything near below average intelligence. College tends to draw a crowd with academic interests. A group with a low EQ and a high IQ. I bet your EQ is off the charts. Don't bother comparing yourself to someone else and concentrate on doing your best every day. Only you can be the half blooded hippie on a journey. Only you can be you.
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