Waiting, labels, and love

Im waiting. Im not a patient person at all. Waiting is an awful game for me, especially if I am waiting for something important. Which I am.
I took my Compass math test this morning as the last piece of my college admissions puzzle. I have spent the past week studying like mad online and felt that I learned a signifigant bit. I found out fairly quickly today, though, that it wasnt quite enough. I was nearly in tears for a good portion of the test. There were 25 questions. I completely guessed on 15 of them, I was clueless. I didnt even understand the question much less know the answer. I felt fairly confident with 7 of them. And the other 3 I think I may have got right but im not sure. I ended up getting a 43 and you need a 50 to get into Pre-Algebra. Immediatley after finishing the test I went to admissions to fight for my life. I was told that my scores actually werent THAT bad. I met the admissions director and he will be reviewing my file today and calling me in the afternoon. So now I wait. And try to cope with one helluva stress headache! -_-

I attended Speed Race-ing yesterday on campus. Everyone wore nametags on which they had written various personal labels. We went around the room and asked people questions about their labels. This event was fantastic and a goal of mine next school year will be to host it once again and hope for a higher attendance rate. I created a FB event with the same general idea, and I am considering wearing a nametag daily, just to get people thinking. My tag yesterday read: "Female. Lesbian. Polyamorus. Adopted. Roller Derby Referee. Aspiring ASL Interpereter. Dated a Deaf woman. Ex Domestic Partner had Cerebral Palsy. Neurological Disorder." I have swapped Lesbian for Femme Dyke, added Raised Catholic, and taken out the two about previous relationships. I am happy with how my tag looks for now :)

My relationships have been fluctuating a lot in the past week. I am trying to enjoy the fluidity and not dwell on the specifics. Summer is coming and soon two of the women I am involved with will be leaving. One will come back in the fall, one will not. There are more women in my periphery with whom the future has yet to be told.
My heart has a tendancy race in front of my head, and I end up digging myself out of emotional holes a lot. I dont try to control my heart. It would be a waste of time. I follow it blindly and take the joy that comes with the pain. My heart is innocent and unbiased and slightly ADHD. It doesnt think before it acts. It experiences love in all forms and at all speeds. As intense immediate enthrallment and as slow building comfort. Sometimes it pulses so strongly that I feel I cant breathe. I am thankful that I can feel and love, even when it is exhausting and confusing.

The experience of going from continued monogamy to polyamory has been very liberating. I feel free and happy. There are small stressors that poke their way through on occasion. Reminants of habitual monogamy and my general nature. I worry that I wont give someone enough attention. That I will give someone else too much. I worry about jealousy and about seeming selfish. I worry that I will become attached to each person in different ways and the others will feel neglected or under-appreciated. I am full of love and passion and honesty. But I have a terrible fear of hurting people and I worry it will hinder me in my relationships.

I leave for Austin in 15 days. As time passes I become increasingly nervous/anxious and excited. I cant wait to be out of town and seeing my best friend for the first time in 6 months. I look to the skies and ask whatever powers are out there that the flight down goes smoothly for both Rupert and I and that the visit is stress-free and full of memories.

Well.... off to do more waiting!

overwhelmed.

im feeling overwhelmed. just at this very moment. for the past few minutes. i will be fine. there is just so much going on.

im waiting to hear about my CWU admissions. i have to take the compass math text next wednesday. im spending a LOT of time doing online math tutoring. but im scared. i dont know WHAT i'll do if i dont get into school.
a person came to look at buying my car today. her son in law was with her and saw my tattoo and he worked in a Deaf alcohol rehab program in vancouver for 20 years. we chatted and signed. he said he loves the culture but i shouldnt get too attahched because Deaf people will never TRULY like me. no matter how much i try they will always talk crap about me behind my back because im hearing. he bragged so much about all of the awesome Deaf events and the community, and said its amazing... as long as youre Deaf yourself.
BK (my dads girlfriend) is here. her things will be here in 9 hours. the house is almost completely empty. dad is taking so much of his stuff out to make room for hers. its such a weird feeling. i like having her here. just odd.
all the commotion has rupert quite wound up. he has no idea whats coming. he will be on a plane in 21 days.
im so excited to go to texas. so ready to be out of ellensburg for a while and in a place where my heart will feel calm. with my best friend. im also nervous. its been a long time since ive seen her. and i miss her so much. im sure she have changed. we both have. preparations to travel are stressful as well. i just want the trip to be fantastic.
im excited to spend my birthday in texas. i havent had an awesome birthday since i was 17. i will do something here in eburg before i go to texas. and then i will have a bday party in seattle the same weekend as pride. im excited for this. i hope its an amazing birthday all around.
the girl i was involved with and i have resigned to friendship. we hung out for a short time once this week. we might chill this weekend. i dont know where we stand. i hope nothing has changed.
a lovely girl stayed with me sunday night. i went to her place on tuesday. she had to cancel plans on wednesday. i asked her over for pizza on saturday and she hasnt responded. shes moving to seattle in 3 weeks. i know she doesnt want anything serious. she doesnt want a girlfriend at all. i like her and would like to keep her around in some way. at least as a friend. i guess time will tell.
a friend and i hung out yesterday and ended up kissing. we talked after and have agreed to date. we hung out today. shes very sweet. things may move a bit slower with her, but im okay with that.
i havent skated in a week because my skates are getting stretched. i should get them back tomorrow. i need them. i need that feeling in my body. i havent been to a practice all week between not having skates and being busy at home. i miss people.
i am considering signing a song for Queer People Choice Awards at CWU pride the end of this month. i want to very badly. but i dont know if i could pull it off.
i wore a skirt all day today. and ive given up shoes (at least while in town). my hair is getting longer. i cross my fingers the dreads will stick. but i dont mind the long hair as much as i thought i would.
someone tried to kill a bug outside today and i said "stop! that bug didnt do anything to you!"
i also spent a signifigant ammount of time in boxers and a sports bra laying on the roof in the sun today.

i feel the need to keep this blog a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the changes in my life and my journey as a whole. i do not want it to become a droning day to day recount of my activities. thats what facebook is for. thats what conversation is for. this blog is more than that. this is where i need to channel all the emotions i have consuming me at times, like right now.

i feel liberated in many ways. but i am very tired.

Derrrrrby

Feeling a little achey today! Went to skateland and skated on and off for 2 hours on Wednesday and had a 4 hour practice yesterday and skated about 2 hours out of the 4. I wish I had been able to skate more but I was wearing new skates and they were hurting quite a bit. On Tuesday at practice my skates gave out and one of the wheels kept messing up really bad. I dont feel safe on them anymore. So one of the girls had a spare pair of skates and let me try them and WOW im in love! Its like a whole new experience! But I have wide feet and the pinch, so I took them to the shoe guy here in town and hes going to stretch them for me. I wont have skates for a week but its gonna be worth it. Im buying them as well as a mouthguard from the girl and im pretty psyched! Yesterday I got to take part in a hitting drill and it was AWESOME! I got knocked on my ass and couldnt feel better about it.
Headed to Roslyn with Rosie tonight to see Vicci! Sunday im having all the derby girls plus friends and family over for a bbq.

Okay my brain is all over the place, im out!

Back to the diet, school stuffs

Im exhausted. I skated for a good portion of practice and then rode my bike home. I can barely move now! I have to keep reminding myself that not only will it build up my endurance (which really needs some help), but it will also help me get back on track with weight loss. I was doing really well and then got into this pseudo-relationship and it all kinda went to shit! Too much time spent in diners, lol. She wants to diet as well though, so hopefully we can work together. If im riding my bike and skating daily and can lay off the restaurant food I should do alright. I would love to lose at least 30lbs by the end of summer. I want to find a way to reward myself, like a trip to the beach or the hot springs. Its really hard for me to accomplish things without and incentive. So we'll see what happens. I need to start tracking on Spark again.

I got approved for my Sallie Mae loan today with Dad as a co-signer. Also put in requests to my high school and community college to transfer transcripts to CWU. So now I just have to wait for the official admissions answer. I guess my aunt Connie (who used to work in admissions) made a few calls today so im hopeful. And she said if I DONT get in for some reason that there is a program where I can take like 9 credits a quarter until I prove that I can keep my GPA at a certain level and then they will grant me full time admission. So either way hopefully ill be in classes next month!

Mothers day.

Its mothers day.

I hadnt thought much of it this week. Mostly "Damn, im going to miss derby practice." My Gramma is coming over to my Aunts house and we are having meatloaf. I like hanging out with my Gramma, even though shes definatley getting pretty senile (she IS 90, after all). I actually planned a BBQ for this evening, having a handful of people over for burgers and movies.
I woke up this morning and posted Happy Mothers Day on the wall of a couple women who have been especially good to me. And of course to Mary, my bio-mom. When it comes right down to it, shes the reason im here. So that got me reflecting a bit. I am eternally thankful to Mary. I love my bio family and am greatful they are in my life, I wouldnt change that for the world. But I am exactley where I need to be in the world. Mary gave me life when she gave birth to me, and she gave me life a second time when she gave me up for adoption. I had a wonderful childhood and loving parents. And now I am able to share my life with both of those families.

I miss my mom. Shes been gone five and a half years now. Most days im fine. I broke down and cried today. I got on youtube and listen to Kanye West- Hey Mama. It came out the same week we found out my mom was sick the last time. The day she died I played it on repeat for 6 hours. I played it at her funeral.
My dad is in Montana right now. In nine days he will be arriving here with a moving truck and his girlfriend. I really like BK, shes great. And im so happy for my dad. But its hard for me when he says things like "I've thought about her for so long. Every time I drove though Montanna. But I couldnt ever stop and look her up because I was with your mom." That stings. I love my dad with all my heart and im glad hes happy. But I still miss my mom. And im not willing to let her go.

Gender and sexuality, religion and spirituality...

While sorting through the garage today I came across a poster that a friend of mine bought me a few years ago. I thought I had lost it in one of my moves and was excited to find it! The image is at the bottom of this post so that the text on the right doesnt interfere with it. Visit the Syracuse Cultural Workers website if you like the poster to find many more amazing things!
Finding it today was a good tie-in with many of the emotions ive been having. I feel comfortable in my gender identity, but I most definitely believe in the fluidity of gender as well as sexuality. I like the quote that says "Talk to a femme dyke about how she experiences power through her gender identity." I was saying a few days ago that emotionally and mentally I am insanely girly and feminine. But on the outside my appearance tends to be dykey or "butch". Im in a transitional place right now and cant say where I will end up staying, if I stay at all. I may just jump and flow and live in the experience.
Im still working on focusing internally on what I need and want and like as opposed to what others like, or what I perceive others to like. It is a daily struggle for me because I have spent my life being a people pleaser to the point of not knowing myself at all. That is why I am on this journey.
Delving into the gender spectrum is very interesting. It ties in well with views on sexuality fluidity and foray into the Polyamorous lifestyle. The new people I have been meeting recently as well as some old friends I have come back into contact with have all shared wonderful varying viewpoints and lifestyles. The open minds and hearts make my soul soar with happiness.
I will soon be undertaking a serious look into spirituality and religion. I have always accepted and appreciated my Catholic faith. I have NOT always agreed with the views of the church. Far from it. But the rituality and structure of Mass has been ingrained in me from a very age and I am comfortable in it. But I have always appreciated other faiths and held a strong interest in them. Even though I classify myself as Catholic, my views do not mirror those of the church. I believe that there is an entity above all of us (not above as in heaven necessarily, I just mean something more than simply people); be that entity a God or Goddess, Mother Nature, or maybe a mixture of all those things. I believe that no matter what God you pray to, they are all the same. I believe that no one person can judge another and that whatever power is out there is not there to judge us. And that all we can do in life is live it the best way we can as individuals. To love and care and give. With all of these ideas meshing in my head I will be researching various forms of Christianity and Paganism and hope to, in time, find a place where my mind and soul both feel fulfilled.

Take a moment to read the quotes on this poster and really think about them. If you dont understand a term, look it up! Begin to educate yourself on the Gender Binary and the issues surrounding gender these days! (And if you like the poster remember to check out the Syracuse Cultural Workers website!)

Dad + School = GRRRR

My dad is driving me up the wall currently. Money and school are constant fights for us, especially when they are connected. He wants me to go to school. But the government wont give me money because I am still under his tax information. So he offers to pay for school. But I know he cant afford it. Then he expects me to have a full time job while attending school, which WONT work for me because I will flunk out like the last two times I tried that. So I finally get my application in for school and apply for a secondary loan for summer quarter. At first he wont cosign. Then finally his girlfriend tells him he needs to. And now he is refusing to give the loan company his financial information because "Its none of their business." Im never going to fucking get into school! GRRRR!

*think happy thoughts*!!!!

Saturday morning my dad is leaving at like 4am and he wont be back until the 17th. When he comes back his girlfriend will be with him and here for good. So he wont be leaving for random trips to Montana anymore, just whatever vacations/trips they decide to go on.

Happiness did come today in the way of derby practice! I was super proud of myself today. There were three inch jumps set up and I wasnt even going to attempt it but the girls encouraged me to try. So I did and after a couple falls I made it! I jumped all four of them! That was very exciting for me. We also got the date for the first Exhibition Bout set up which is FANTASTIC but also sad because its Seattle Pride weekend so I wont be in town, boo! :-(

Bit of a brain freeze. Im gonna take the opportunity to go to bed before 2am :)

Identity struggles

I found myself struggling today. I attended an EQuAL meeting and afterwards a Guess The Straight panel. The entire time I felt myself missing my "dykey-ness". Dont get me wrong, im still quite dykey. But im nearing closer to the feminine side. I cant really say im androgynous, but rather balancing the line in between with a foot on each side. Today I wore mens tennis shoes, fitted mens jeans, and a sweatshirt. Under my sweatshirt was a 3/4 sleeve girls t-shirt and my push up bra. I had a hippie-ish headband in my hair. I will soon have a hippie skirt arriving in the mail that I am thrilled to wear around the house. And I am definatley not against wearing it in public. I dont care what anyone thinks of how I look. And yet for some reason I find myself really missing my short hair and boys clothes. The dyke persona. Im the girliest, femmiest person in the butchiest body. Its really a brain trip sometimes! This is one of the reasons I want to lose weight. Because I think if I am thin I will be comfy in girls tops and boys bottoms and be able to have the best of both worlds at the same time.
Im trying hard to judge how much of what im feeling is coming from how I perceive others to see me and how I truly see myself. I feel like others find me more attractive as a butch and I feel more attractive to others that way. When I become more feminine, I feel as though I become invisible. Same with my hair, the longer it becomes the more ackward I feel. The hair growth itself will have to stick because I want my dreads. I wonder how the hair will impact my view of myself. Ive never seen a really butchy girl with dreads.
Rosie tells me im silly and am overthinking this. My friend Lynn says mostly the same. Im sure they are right, but I cant help where my brain wanders to.

Ramblings.

Im starting to feel BUSY- its wonderful! I will be attending derby practices 5 days a week now! Doing my best to learn everything I can to be an efficient and effective official! Today will be my first day on skates at practice! I got the insurance thing taken care of this morning, and im SO excited! Yesterday we had an RCR team against team scrimmage and it was AWESOME! I was so proud of all those girls! I really am starting to feel like I am a part of something now, and its wonderful! On Saturday I went to Skateland with Rosie and Zach and had a blast. Felt like a total dork in my derby gear but it was worth it! Im totally comfortable forwards skating in derby stance, and doing a standing crossover on the corners, YAY!
With starting the 5 day a week practices will also come re-instating my diet! This NEEDS to happen! I was doing great and very proud of myself, and I got distracted. Time to get back on track! Skating daily and riding my bike will be a big help. Im already fitting into clothes I havent in years. I also bought a real bra this weekend and that has helped me feel a little better about wearing tighter clothes. It may be silly, but its part of a process to make me happy with myself!



I actually bought a headband as well, mostly just for practicality. My hair is long enough now that it is driving me CRAZY getting into my eyes! And I still have a few inches to go! The baking soda and ACV is going well so far. I decided not to pre-mix a big batch anymore, I will mix before each shower. I stopped brushing my hair as of yesterday out of curiosity to see if it will lock up on its own or not. Its thick and has some curl to it so it may, but I play with it so much that it might just keep the tangles out!
I emailed Lish the hair goddess to inquire about her pricing and length requirements and if she would be willing to work on a kids hair. At this point I plan to have my hair done when I go to Texas and am not sure about Charlie, but I did want to at least get in touch with Lish and see what she thought. Shes down to work on Char as well as Rosie and I and is only charging $75/hr to start dreads. So its something to keep in mind depending on future situations. She said she preffers shoulder length hair but will sometimes start at chin length. Ive got a ways to go either way!

The end of this week held some stressful moments for me. Ive been talking to people a lot recently, thinking about and picking apart some situations from the past. I dont spent time in regret and try to always look forward. But I believe that in order to sucessfully grow in life we have to be able to look at where we have been and see why things worked or didnt work. I was told by many people this past weekend that they see me changing for the worse. That I am a selfish, uncaring person headed down a dangeous road. It was very hard for me to hear these things because the part of myself that I am most proud of is my caring nature. I dont like to be judged. I have been told that I am changing to suit new people in my life. Well, I AM changing. I am changing in many ways. I continue to learn more about myself each day. But the only person I am changing for is MYSELF. There is no way to know if something will be right for me if I do not try it first hand. I am thankful of the people in my life who can support me through these changes. To the others, I know they mean well. I hope in time they will understand.


Most days right now i'm just hanging out enjoying life and going with the flow. And then some days I feel like I am alive inside myself inside of the world. It is an amazing, intense feeling. I question and disect and work towards understanding of myself and everything that surrounds me. I love the moments where I can sit back and feel everything slip away and realize "I am happy." I am so used to constant stress and worry. Always jumping through hoops to make sure things are done right. And now I am able to enjoy the ride for the most part. One of the times I can feel it the most is when the stress DOES come back. It used to be a common feeling. Now it is more foreign and upsets me when I feel it; im thankful for that. I feel amazingly at peace most of the time now.

Of the many changes I am making I dont know what will stick and what will continue to evolve, or go back to normal. On the minute level, I stopped using Tom's deoderant, I dont like it and it doesnt work and it makes me break out. But yet the no-shampoo thing is working wonderfully so far. Im feeling alright with not shaving right now, but I dont know if I will remain happy with it. All of the people I have met and continue to meet are absolutely amazing, and I hope that they will always remain in my life. I am still absolutley certain of idetifying as Polyamorus. I have hurt people in the past by getting into relationships and at some point down the line realizing that while I loved them I was not fully happy. The realization of this as a recurring part of my relationships as well as my introduction to Polyamory fit together seamlessly. The universe aligned for me on that one. It hurts me so much to hurt others. And being aware of this part of myself I truly believe will help me from doing that. I still want all the same things I have always wanted. I want to eventually settle down with a girl and have a house and kids. But I will also have girlfriends. Not "fuck buddies" of "friends with benefits". But functioning relationships with a different level of commitment from my primary partner. I truly feel that being honest about this from the start with any new partner will lead to less heartbreak (at least in relation to fidelity) in the future.
The ammount of stress this takes out of a situation can be amazing. Im involved with someone right now and its fantastic. There are no expectations. There is no jealousy. We could go out together, meet different people, and leave seperatley, and then have coffee the next day with no problems. I dont have to worry or stress about her reaction to anything. I can truly live for ME, and there is someone there to share moments with too. Its definatley a good feeling.

I found out yesterday that Rainbow Gathering will be in Washington this year. Ive been waiting since I was like 13 to go to RGOLL, and am so excited I will finally be able to go! The planning has begun! :)