Dandelions. Hot air balloons. Zombies. Roller derby. Music. Comic books. Mac and cheese. Wine. Quail. Cassette tapes. Dinosaurs. Zack G.

Life. Love. Beauty. It all makes me think of you.

Unexpected fun

Yesterday turned out to be a fantastic day! I got a new phone that is not only awesome but cheaper monthly, and went on a last minute voyage to Yakima. That doesn't sound very exciting, I know. But it WAS! I rode over in a car full of people my age or a little younger. And it was fun! We tried to go to Skateland but they were closed. So we haggled some free passes out of them and then met up with some others and hit up the bowling alley and had a blast! And even though some of the people I was with are friends of the love, and 89's name came up often, I did okay! Pretty wonderful :)

Breathing easier through the tears.

Today I am healing. Mentally, that is. Today I will start to slowly gather the pieces of my heart and put them back together. It's been shattered, you see. I spent two amazing weeks with a girl, 89, and I fell in love. And then, for reasons unknown to me, she dissappeared from my life. And I missed her terribly. I spent a few days trying to bring her back, to no avail. Then I spent a couple weeks patiently waiting, hoping she would com around. But I got nothing. Finally I emailed her and asked for her address, because I had bought her a very special, very expensive birthday present. And she didnt reply. So last night I wrote up an email telling her that I was hurt and felt disrespected. I can accept things that I understand. But I dont understand why she left, so I have a very hard time accepting it. Did I scare her off when I told her how I felt? Did she just grow tired of me? Did she find someone new? And if thats the case, why couldnt we still be friends? I am notorious for falling fast and hard for people, but this was a whole new experience. Ive never felt or acted like this toward anyone before. The lengths I would go to for her are undefined. But somewhere, something didnt add up for her. I told her in this email that I wouldnt contact her again, but I would always be around if she ever wanted to be in my life again in any form. I told her that I loved her. And attached song lyrics. Then I said goodbye and hit the send button. I deleted her contact info and pictures from my email and phone. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Ive been crying since she stopped talking to me, its nothing new. But this was a new kind of tears. I woke up this morning still crying. But I was breathing easier. Breathing easier through my tears. So now I must let myself mend. I will never completely give up. I will always hold that small fire of hope that she will come back to me. But I must let myself move on.



How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

You reject my... advances... and desperate pleas...
I won't let you... let me down... so easily.
So easily.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

Texas and such.

Im home. Im exhausted, and feeling a little down. Its like waking up sober on Monday after drinking all weekend. Except my body isn't missing alcohol, my heart is missing my best friend and my dog.
I dont even know where to start. Ive wanted to write all week but havent had time, and I dont currently have my laptop which makes it a bit more difficult. So now my thoughts are so jumbled I doubt they will come out in any sort of organized fashion.

I was on the brink of getting sick the day before I left for Texas. I started chugging Emergen-C and ended up warding off the cold though I did (and still do) have a hell of a cough. Getting Rupert and myself into the airport and on the plane actually wasnt bad at all. I enjoyed the flight down. I sat next to a window near the wing and stared out of it most of the flight. The concept is amazing to me. Traveling at around 550 mph and looking DOWN on the clouds. The view of Mt Rainer was fantastic. I saw amazing intricate designs in the landscape along the way. Its interesting how we can view other areas so harshly but when you are flying above the country there was simply no possibly way for me to tell where state lines were and such. So I enjoyed the flight. The plane seemed to hover at a very uncomfortable altitude for a good 30 minutes before landing and it gave me quite a headache. My only complaint as far as the flying goes! Rupert did great he was thrilled to see me when I found him once we landed in Dallas. I took him out for a potty break and as I was walking back towards the airport I saw CS get out of a car. My heart leapt so much I didnt think I would ever get it back! And hugging her was quite possibly the best feeling ive had in months. Pure bliss :) Rupert and his mommy finally re-united was a very sweet sight as well :)
I have to admit, Austin wasnt bad. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit. Its very un-Texan. I wouldnt be interested in venturing outside of Austin city limits, thats for sure. But I did have a lot of fun there. I would consider moving if I didnt think I would die in the heat when August came around. It stayed between 95 and 103 the entire time I was there and its only June. No thanks! But other than the heat, it was cool. I got a tye-dye shirt that says "Keep Austin Weird" its like the town motto :) We swam a lot and I got a decent burn on my chest and back and thighs and legs. I was hoping for that though, so I cant complain too much! Rupert got to go on his first bus ride which was a lot of fun! MC started taking him jogging which he really enjoys, so that is good for both of them! I think it will take him time to get used to the heat but he seems to be doing alright so far.

We went to a Texas Rollergirls home bout and that was a BLAST for me! We sat on the floor right next to the track and I got my picture taken with some of the Hell Marys! Afterwards CS and I stopped by the afterparty and then went and walked 6th Street in Austin which was pretty awesome. They close down the street every weekend and its pretty much just a giant party, lots of fun!
We went to Barton Springs which is a natural spring that they build a pool around by putting up cement walls and walks and diving boards and a lifeguard station. Its still a natural area, there are water plants and everything growing in it. It stays 68 degrees year round. Very cool place. After the springs we went to a weekly drum circle that was really cool. Just hung out and listend to the music and watched people hoop and other such things. Very calming.

We went up to South Congress and checked out some fun shops and food places. I had fantastic fajitas, shaved ice, and a cupcake all of of little trailer park food stands :) CS came with me to a Rollergirls practice which was pretty neat. It was really cool to watch them practice but (as seems to be a common problem) I didnt feel included much at all, only one or two people even introduced themselves and no one made much of an effort to further contact. Oh well, it was fun anyways!

My birthday was Tuesday and my Godmother Carolle and her husband pick up CS and MC and I and we went to Fredericksberg for the day. Had lunch at a really cool brewery and then looked at all the shops and stopped at a winery and did wine tasting on the way home! And then just Carolle and I went out to dinner and went to see the bats which is a crazy experience. More than a million bats emerge from under a bride at sunset during the summer in Austin. It looks like black smoke filling the sky. So very cool. After that Carolle and I stopped by the very first Whole Foods which was rad!

We got quite a late start on my dreads (the day I had to leave) and between CS and MC they only had time to get 22 out of 46 finished. So ive got some work to do to finish them! I tried to do one myself to no avail :-( I am a bit worried about the length, theres a good chance my hair is too short for them to stay, but im giving it all the effort ive got!

I wore a skirt to the airport on the way home because of my sunburn and it ended up causing a full body pat-down because it wasnt close-fitting. Note to self, ugh. The flight from Austin to Pheonix was short and sweet and from Pheonix to Seattle I pretty much slept through. Christine picked me up from the airport and I hung out with her and Amara yesterday and then caught a ride home today with my mom who happened to be going through Eburg, nice timing.
So now im home. And im tired. I got here and Dash was so super excited to see me, he has barely gotten off my lap since ive been home. It was very weird not to be greeted by Rupert when I walked through the door. Im going to miss that.

Leaving CS was.... heartbreaking. I held it together mostly until I got on the plane and as we took off the very first song to randomly come on my ipod was an Adele song that makes us both cry. I plan to go to Austin twice a year. Im not willing to go longer than that without seeing her, its just too hard for me. And ill miss Rupert too.

I start school on Monday. I wont have money until the 27th so I wont have books for class this week. I hope I can get around it. Lynn will be staying with me this week as well, and then shes leaving next Sunday to go home for the summer. Next weekend is Pride weekend and ive got a lot to sort out surrounding that, but right now I think its time to crawl into my nice cozy bed with my doggy and SLEEP.

Countdown to Austin :)

Its almost bed time. In about 8 hours I will be leaving Eburg headed for SeaTac. Im so ready for this. I NEED this. My stress level in relation to traveling is actually very low. Once I get Rupert on the plane I have no worries whatsoever. I dont have much money for the trip, but it doesnt really matter. I just want to have fun. Get my dreads done. Hit up an awesome drum circle and possibly a really cool UU church. Have dinner with my Godmother. Go to a kick-ass derby bout. See the sights and take lots of pictures. But mostly just relax in the pool and have fun with my best friend. And forget everything else for a while :)

Im mad at you.

Im mad at you, 89. Im mad at you for giving me a wonderful 2 weeks and then dropping off the face of the earth. Im mad at you for telling me how much you cared about me but not following through. Im mad at you for telling me that you trusted me and wanted to always be honest with me, and then for being too scared to tell me why you left. Im not really mad at you. Im just hurt and heartbroken. Im mad at myself. Im mad at myself for falling for you so quickly and without reason. Im mad at myself for telling you how I felt when I knew it was too soon. Im not really mad at myself. I live with my heart and must accept the consequences. I just wish I could understand. I wish you had given me that chance and respect.

Its not a fun party

I wish I was an artist so I could express my own emotions rather than having to search through google images -_-

I leave for Austin the day after tomorrow. Im so ready for this break! This week has been an emotional struggle for me and I cant wait to walk off that plane and give my CS the longest hug of her life! Im nowhere near ready to go yet, physically. I have things to buy and havent even started packing, really. But with all of the stuff going on recently ive stopped worrying about the emotional politics of my visit, which is quite a relief. Although I must say if I didnt have to deal with some of the crap here I would gladly give that up as well.

I really am a prodominantly happy person! Why waste your time crying when you could be laughing!? I try to make the best out of any situation. But when my heart is involved... its a lost cause. And that, by itself, is incredibly frusturating to me. So on top of being heartbroken I end up annoyed with my own emotions. And it turns into an awful little self-fueling pity party. Im not a fan of those parties. They are no fun for me or anyone around me. I snap out of my typical funks super quick. But these ones... not so much. Im really hoping the escape to Texas will not only make me forget for a week, but that the high will continue when I come back. It will help that by the time I get back to the Burg 89 will be gone. And I will have birthday celebrations and Pride and BBQ's and starting school.... all sorts of fun things to look forward to. So, fingers crossed I guess.

Do you speak English?

Saw this on FB this morn. Further proof that English is of the devil!

Not my poem, but if you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far,
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Lesbian dance orgy!

Well that was an exhausting two days! Awesome, but exhausting. The professional drag show was FANTASTIC. Seriously, the shows at CWU are better than 90% of the shows i've PAID to see. People here just pack the place and get soooo excited! I love it :) My throat was aching from screaming so loud! After the show we hit the bars with the Queens and Gays and it was great :) Drinks at the Starlight and a crazy lesbian dance orgy at 301!

Went out again last night for my Eburg Birthday. I was a little upset/annoyed. I planned a night out in Ellensburg because a number of people told me they couldnt come out with me in Seattle. A few of the derby girls encouraged me to go out in Eburg and we decided on everyone wearing their derby gear to the bars and I was psyched. ONE girl stopped by. And she came because she has become a friend OUTSIDE of derby. None of the other girls showed. It hurt a bit. But the people that did come were awesome and we had fun and had another lesbian dance orgy. That might be my new favorite past time. I had a blast to say the least, and made some new friends :) Im quite partied out at this point though, and looking forward to a chill b-day BBQ for Ang at her house today.

I have been a bit up and down emotionally the past couple days. Its girl related, as tends to happen with me. But when you lead life with your heart you've got to be prepared for heartache. I gave it everything I had and it didnt work out. Im sad but theres really nothing I can do except be thankful she was part of my life for a short time and wish her the best in the world. If I didnt let myself feel emotions the way I do, I wouldnt be me!

FIVE DAYS till Austin!!!

I should have never told her how I felt. But I dont believe in hiding my emotions. I think people should know how I feel about them. But it appears that in this case all I did was manage to scare her off. And now all I can do is cry.

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yes.

Im in that place I go to mentally at the moment. Im surrounded by noise and activity but not really registering any of it. Ive retreated to a semi-docile corner with my iPod. Im not sad or depressed. Sometimes my brain just needs time to reset. Especially right now with so many things going on. Its so easy to get overwhelmed. I have a lot of words in my head but I doubt that I will be able to put them in here sucessfully today.
Last night was Queer Peoples Choice Awards. A bit of a flop, but it was a learning experience. My first time signing a song on stage. I dont remember it at all, so im not sure how I did. Some fairly serious drama happened after the performance that I was not a part of but feel like I need to take a part in resolving. I will deal with it next week when Pride is over. My wallet also dissapeared during the show last night. Which was an awfully upsetting thing due to the fact a good portion of my vacation money was in there plus my ID, SS card, USARS (derby insurance) card... stuff I need for Texas. Thankfully today someone turned it into the lost and found. The cash is gone but I have everything else, and im thankful for that. I hope whoever took the money needed it. For groceries or textbooks or diapers... or even to take a pretty girl on a date. Just not for drugs or alcohol or video games, prefferably.
The amature drag show was this morning and the professional show is tonight. So its a good day, im just really out of it at the moment. I will snap back. Im frusturated because I dont know what I need to come back to the real world. So I just have to wait until I figure it out. Grr.

Im leaving for Austin in 7 days. Im ready for the time away. And time with my CS. The excitement is taking over the anxiety for sure. Even though I will have less money than I was hoping to take, im sure I will still enjoy myself thoroughly. Then as soon as I get back I will be starting classes as a Non-Matriculating (non degree-seeking) student. And then the next weekend is Seattle Pride and my birthday celebration on the west side. This is needed. Im really hoping my school loan comes in by then. If not im borrowing money until it does. This month... this is my month. This is my time to BREATHE and to LIVE. And to love :) If everything works out my three beautiful women will all be spending time with me at Pride :) I only have 6 more days with one of them and in the mean time she is insanely busy with school and we barely see each other. Im having a hard time with it. Im crazy about her and just want to steal her away until the end of time. But life doesnt work that way and shes got to focus on graduating right now.
Lynn will be staying through Pride weekend which will be very nice :) Shes actually going to stay with me the last week in June. And then she will be back in the fall. And FA, of course, is here to stay.
Ive been making friends in large quanitities recently and its been a wonderful experience. The more people in my life the BETTER!
Ok. Thats all the brainpower I have right now :)