Do I smell?

Do I smell bad? I must smell bad, or something. My friends seem to be dropping off like flies. I know its summer and people are busy... but everyone has time to update their facebook status' and whatnot. Yet I cant get a text back from anyone. *shrug* Maybe im just in a generally mopey mood, I dunno. I just want to hang out outside and enjoy the weather. BBQ and bonfire and camp. Watch movies. Be around people. It sucks.

First day of FM!

Tonight was my first night skating at a Fresh Meat practice for RCR. Basically my first time skating just as a skater and not as a ref. It was a great day to start because some girls came over from PFM (Potential Fresh Meat) in Seattle to work with us. SO. MUCH. FUN! I struggled a bit for a while and became frustrated but the PFM girls were awesome and supportive and I learned a lot! I successfully did my first tomahawk stop! The whole evening was superb! All I want to do is skate. I cant wait till I can HIT someone! :-D
The success of the night did, of course, make me miss 89. I actually came home and emailed her out of excitement. I know it will hurt when she doesnt respond, but hitting send on that short note really did feel good. I just wish she was around as a friend to gush about derby to!

Appearance.

Trying to get ready to go out for the day I find myself struggling. I chose to wear guys clothing today. My hair is looking majorly crazy right now and I really need to have SOMETHING in it so I grabbed a black bandana and put it in like a headband. Which isnt as girly as a head scarf, but its still pretty girly looking. And my brain goes to- "Im not going to pick up women this way." No, thats not my main focus of the day. Not even close. But I am conceited enough that I DO care to an extent what I look like when I go out. And I do judge my appearance based on what others think when they look at me.
When I was dykey it didnt matter if a lesbian was attracted to me or not, they still knew I was a lesbian. There wasnt that questioning period. It makes situations quicker and easier. Now im in this weird limbo not really fitting into either category. And even if im inwardly happy with my outward appearance, I struggle with how others perceive me. Im not boyish anymore, but im definatley not a femme, either. So many people out there are specifically looking for one or the other. Not someone who fits a tiny bit into each category.
Im not lacking for companions at the moment and I dont think ill be alone for the rest of my life or any of that nonsense. Its just frusturating to feel like my options are limited by my appearance. I already struggle with other parts of myself that make it hard at times to bring new people into my life.
*sigh* I suppose its all part of the journey...

Decison.

I made a decision. I refuse to give up. I love 89. End of story. Im moving on with my life, but Im NOT giving up. I will win her heart some day.

Ch-ch-ch-change!

Yesterday I went to Yakima and stopped by my old work. Excited to see co-workers I walked up to people smiling and offering hugs. The majority of the time I was met with strange looks and had people walk away. I was upset and hurt for a while until I realized what was happening... people werent recognizing me. When I left work in January I still had super short clipper cut hair and wore only mens clothes. Yesterday I had my hippie skirt on and my dreadies tied up in a scarf. It was a bit strange. In the last 6 months I have changed enough that people I was once fairly close to dont even recognize me. Wow.
You know, im happy with myself. I really am. I dont fit into a box or under a label. But i've stopped trying to explain it all. First of all its really no ones business! Secondly.... I dont necessarily have words for it. But it works for ME, and thats all that matters.
There are times when I waiver. When I think "its so much easier to just fit into one category". I feel awkward hitting on women while im wearing a skirt and a head scarf. But I think part of that is just time. It takes time to adjust. Ive changed a lot in a short period of time and I am finally catching up with myself.

this is why.

so damn perfect.

Grr.

Woke up frustrating myself with "what if" questions and blaming myself. Feeling like MY actions on the night of the drag show were what caused this great divide. I was trying to respect 89's space and let her call the shots and not overwhelm her, and she took it as me being petty and immature. Did I fuck it up then? What should I have done differently?

Goal of the day- real blog post. NOT about her. Imma put on my thinkin cap!