Connections, ressurections, moving...

Had a blast last night at Skateland. Skating around like a fool dancing and signing to the music.... I really love being out with people. But when it comes down to it... the connections just really dont hold that strong outside of derby. I see these women when we practice or at other derby events, but thats about it. A few times i've been to someones house or gone out with a group... but I always kinda feel like im skirting the outside. Maybe I just havent put enough time in yet... but I feel connections pretty quick as a rule and if they dont develop early they usually dont develop at all.

I've pretty much give up on EVERYONE else in Ellensburg. I've tried to ressurect some connections in the past few days to no avail. People move on I guess, so I suppose I have to as well. I dont hold anything against anyone... life just happens sometimes. Its hard not to self-blame, and in some ways I do anyways, but I try not to.
These things are leading me closer to moving. Moving is scary. I have it easy here. Moving means I have to work, and pay bills, and all sorts of adult things that I hate doing. Moving means im away from my dad who, even though we bicker non-stop, is a safety net. Moving means I start over AGAIN. And every time I do that I know I am gaining a lot, but I feel like I lose parts of myself too. Its scary.

Crisis Averted.

Not the important one of me having to move, just a minor crisis. You see, due to a random change of events, there was a chance that 89 would be in town on Sunday and going to my Bout. Can you say PANIC ATTACK? I cant. Because I cant even breathe when I think about it! I have tried to keep other people out of the situation but due to pure terror I did ask someone if she would be here and thankfully she is 1,000 miles away for the next week. Which makes me think of my facebook post: "Is selling your possessions and traveling 1000 miles to attend an event that a girl you're crazy about will be at (along with 1,500 other people) considered stalking?

Oh... it is? Well. Crap. Guess im staying home this weekend!" In any case, I feel better knowing she is there and not here. She will enjoy herself (shes been looking forward to this for a LONG time) and Sunday will be a good day. As much as im dying to see her, even from across the room... I know I couldnt functionally skate with her there. I'd be lucky to not break down in tears when it comes down to it. And I dont want it to be awkward for her either.

Off to SkateLand in a bit to forget my worries for a while!

... and then back to finish a paper and stress about life ;-) At least im taking a break!

School vs. Finances vs. Emotional Happiness.

I've found myself in a tough situation, and need to make a decision. As indecisive as I am and as big of a decision as this could be- its not going to be easy.
Living at home is NOT working out for me. Its sad and frustrating. My dad and I have had issues in the past but generally we get along super easily. He's always let me do my own thing and never really questioned it. Now that his girlfriend is living here I am under constant scrutiny. I have to tell him where im going and how long ill be there if I leave the house. I get lectured if I go out on a school night. I am held responsible for any clutter in the house whether it is mine or not. I am also held responsible for any issue in the house whether I caused it or not (overflowing sink, crashed computer, door not locked, etc.) I constantly feel like I am in the way. Evidently my dad cannot handle having two women in his life. He wants to focus ALL of his energy on her, which is sweet, but I get severely way-layed in the process. He also seems to think that he must now enforce all these rules that I have NEVER had before. Setting a curfew (not actually, just endless complaining and demeaning comments if im out late) for the first time when your child is 23 just doesnt work. He is also getting frustrated with giving me rides which is hard when we live out of town. I rode my bike to and from practice today. It took me 2 hours to get into town because of the wind and when I got there I was too exhausted to skate.
Another issue I ran into today is that its looking pretty likely that I will need to re-take my math class. Which means if I take classes in the fall I will continue to be a non-matriculated student. This hasnt caused any issue for me yet but with it being fall quarter it will probably be quite hard to get into any necessary classes so late. I will also have to continue taking out more secondary loans. Another thing my dad has been doing recently is complaining on a daily basis about the amount of my ONE current student loan (he is the co-signer.) I want to avoid this situation as well. And the best option for me financially may be to just wait on school until I am 24 and can file my FAFSA with my own tax information rather than my fathers; as well as move to Oregon and attend the school I really want to go to.
Anyways. All of this adds up to- me needing to move, at the very least. I have quite a few options to consider.

1.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), continue going to school at CWU and taking out student loans until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Continuing with school. Can stay with derby.
Con- Taking out more loans, especially to cover housing costs.

2.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), take a break from school, get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.

Pro- Can stay with derby.
Con- Really hard to find a job right now. Still stuck in Ellensburg.

3.) Move to Seattle and get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Love Seattle. More social opportunities. Lots of derby. Public transportation.
Cons- Hate rain. Have to give up RCR derby. Hard to find a job right now. Seattle is expensive.

4.) Move to Ritzville with my mom for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon. Possibly work.

Pros- Living with Mary would be pretty carefree. Might give me a chance to collect my thoughts a bit. I probably wouldnt HAVE to work.
Cons- NO social interaction, its in the middle of nowhere. Have to give up ALL derby, i'd be skating alone at night on the sidewalks and thats it.

5.) Move to Oregon NOW and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and get into school.

Pros- I could gain residencey by being in the state for a year and pay cheaper tuition once I get into school. I love Oregon. There is derby in Salem. Public transportation.

Cons- I know virtually no one in Oregon. Its expensive. It rains a lot (so far I dont mind, but who knows if I MOVE there.) Its hard to find a job right now.

So these are the choices im looking at right now. Im thinking that I will probably stay with Mary for a month after school lets out and see how that goes. Just taking a break will be nice. When it comes right down to it im not going to get anywhere in the situation im in right now. Im miserable with my social life and family life and thats no good. If im not happy in those situations im bound to fail in school and other areas. The main thing keeping me in Ellensburg is derby, honestly. I dont have many friends here at the moment. I think i'll be spending a lot of time in the near future researching my options.

Dating frusturations!

Feeling pretty done with dating for a while, it doesnt seem to be working in my advantage. Maybe its just the fact that its summer in E-burg, I dont know. But its not working for me.

I've got one girlfriend halfway across the country for the summer.

Another girl I have been kinda/sorta dating went back to her ex. Which cut her off from me in a dating sense but also means I see her a lot less in a platonic way as well.

89's birthday was Yesterday. I didnt expect a response from my email, but it still stung a bit when one didnt come.

I went on a date last week with a girl ive known for a little while now. She lives in out of town but we've hung out a few times and there is a mutual attraction. Evidently we had different views on how that went.
My blog entry: "Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)"
Her blog entry: "I've been dating a little bit, and its been fun. Both men and women. There is one very pretty grrrrr in Ellensburg but it seems like we are both gravitating in different directions. I've found someone that I think I really like, and I'm a little surprised because it is not someone that would ever catch my eye...I mean, the kind of person that you go by in the grocery store and don't even notice. But once you make yourself look, well, his heart is like a kaleidoscope of radiant gems and syrups. My own juices are flowing with the bright heat of summer, and love is floating with the fuzzy cotton tree seeds in the wind."
Notice the bolded/italic sentence in hers. Yeah. Not exactly on the same page :-/ The frustrating part for me is having (as usual, it seems) NO IDEA what shes talking about. The only thing I can think of is that ive been in a crazy funk the last few weeks and she is a very onward and upward person with a very strong heart and sensitive soul. Maybe the subtle negativity inside me got to her. If that is the case its a hard realization for me. I am usually crazily upbeat even in very hard times. I've recently let myself get brought down and am working really hard on climbing out of that hole, but its hard. I am fueled by social interaction and having not had much recently make it a tough battle for me.

I need to kick my ass into gear and get over it.

A bit lonely.

I am not a sit-still person. I like to be busy, I like to do things. Im typically content with watching a movie but especially during the summer I really want to be out and about. I want to swim and hike and be outside. This is the first time not having a license has really bothered me. When I just want to go up into the woods. It does make me want to live in the city so i've got more options for transportation and activities. Maybe I would even become more comfortable doing things on my own. I absolutley hate being alone. Which is what im struggling with right now. I have a huge base of social friends and aquantinces, but I dont have many really close friends and people I can do stuff with. I miss that. I get lonely and depressed fairly easy. Im ready to move to Oregon now and work till I can go to school. Or even move to Seattle in the mean time. School is my driving force but I will never make it through without social companionship.

In other news... I went to my cousins wedding yesterday. It was beautiful with pinks and oranges- very pretty. I never thought he would settle down so it was kind of exciting as well. But shortly after the ceremony started I was wincing a bit. It was heavily religious. I was raised Catholic and still practicing as of maybe 6 months ago. But during my transitions i've reaized that my views are skewed. Now, hearing a religion-laced wedding ceremony made me cringe and feel uncomfortable. I love weddings. I want one someday! But not like that. I definatley dont feel catholic anymore. I havent figured out what I am yet, but I know what im not.

Being at a wedding also really made me long for relationships. Im so in love with love! It also intensified my current baby craze. At least a couple times a year I get into a baby mode and its happening right now. It really does make me a bit crazy! To the point that I have posted on craigslist before looking for a sperm donor. And I am the most anti-pregnancy person in the world. I dont have any intrest in it. None of it sounds appealing except for the final product. I dont want 9 months of misery, I dont want the pain of labor. Not to mention I want to adopt, as I was adopted. I WILL adopt in the future. But the chance of me having a child naturally is not all-together gone, actually. It may happen. I do intend to wait until im done with school to have a child. That way I can better support us as well as focus on school and enjoy my free time. But I sure wouldnt complain if somehow it happened in the mean time.

89's birthday is today. I spent the past couple weeks preparing and video recording a song in ASL for her. It turned out well, im quite happy with it. I actually want to start making more! But this one was for her. I sent her a short and sweet email and attached the video as well as a letter. I dont actually expect to hear from her, but it would make me ecstatic if I did. I really miss her. I would be happy with anything, just to have her in my life again. Or at the very least an explaination of why shes not.

And now... I've got a junk ton of math homework to do and a research paper to write and currently not the tiniest fucking bit of motivation to do it :-/

Date

Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)

Gay Advice Faerie

Its been one of those "Gay Advice Faerie" kind of days! Multiple people messaging me with relationship issues, identity/orientation problems, and all kinds of good stuff. Makes me feel special! My friends always used to joke that I was their "Pocket Therapist" and sometimes it really does feel that way. Im honored, though, that people trust me enough to share their trials and tribulations with me, many times even when they dont know me well. I like to think it says something good about my character :)