Connections, ressurections, moving...

Had a blast last night at Skateland. Skating around like a fool dancing and signing to the music.... I really love being out with people. But when it comes down to it... the connections just really dont hold that strong outside of derby. I see these women when we practice or at other derby events, but thats about it. A few times i've been to someones house or gone out with a group... but I always kinda feel like im skirting the outside. Maybe I just havent put enough time in yet... but I feel connections pretty quick as a rule and if they dont develop early they usually dont develop at all.

I've pretty much give up on EVERYONE else in Ellensburg. I've tried to ressurect some connections in the past few days to no avail. People move on I guess, so I suppose I have to as well. I dont hold anything against anyone... life just happens sometimes. Its hard not to self-blame, and in some ways I do anyways, but I try not to.
These things are leading me closer to moving. Moving is scary. I have it easy here. Moving means I have to work, and pay bills, and all sorts of adult things that I hate doing. Moving means im away from my dad who, even though we bicker non-stop, is a safety net. Moving means I start over AGAIN. And every time I do that I know I am gaining a lot, but I feel like I lose parts of myself too. Its scary.