I am not a sit-still person. I like to be busy, I like to do things. Im typically content with watching a movie but especially during the summer I really want to be out and about. I want to swim and hike and be outside. This is the first time not having a license has really bothered me. When I just want to go up into the woods. It does make me want to live in the city so i've got more options for transportation and activities. Maybe I would even become more comfortable doing things on my own. I absolutley hate being alone. Which is what im struggling with right now. I have a huge base of social friends and aquantinces, but I dont have many really close friends and people I can do stuff with. I miss that. I get lonely and depressed fairly easy. Im ready to move to Oregon now and work till I can go to school. Or even move to Seattle in the mean time. School is my driving force but I will never make it through without social companionship.
In other news... I went to my cousins wedding yesterday. It was beautiful with pinks and oranges- very pretty. I never thought he would settle down so it was kind of exciting as well. But shortly after the ceremony started I was wincing a bit. It was heavily religious. I was raised Catholic and still practicing as of maybe 6 months ago. But during my transitions i've reaized that my views are skewed. Now, hearing a religion-laced wedding ceremony made me cringe and feel uncomfortable. I love weddings. I want one someday! But not like that. I definatley dont feel catholic anymore. I havent figured out what I am yet, but I know what im not.
Being at a wedding also really made me long for relationships. Im so in love with love! It also intensified my current baby craze. At least a couple times a year I get into a baby mode and its happening right now. It really does make me a bit crazy! To the point that I have posted on craigslist before looking for a sperm donor. And I am the most anti-pregnancy person in the world. I dont have any intrest in it. None of it sounds appealing except for the final product. I dont want 9 months of misery, I dont want the pain of labor. Not to mention I want to adopt, as I was adopted. I WILL adopt in the future. But the chance of me having a child naturally is not all-together gone, actually. It may happen. I do intend to wait until im done with school to have a child. That way I can better support us as well as focus on school and enjoy my free time. But I sure wouldnt complain if somehow it happened in the mean time.
89's birthday is today. I spent the past couple weeks preparing and video recording a song in ASL for her. It turned out well, im quite happy with it. I actually want to start making more! But this one was for her. I sent her a short and sweet email and attached the video as well as a letter. I dont actually expect to hear from her, but it would make me ecstatic if I did. I really miss her. I would be happy with anything, just to have her in my life again. Or at the very least an explaination of why shes not.
And now... I've got a junk ton of math homework to do and a research paper to write and currently not the tiniest fucking bit of motivation to do it :-/
I hope you do move to Seattle. And pregnancy isn't so bad. It's temporary, after all, and the payoff is pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteI eventually need to be in Oregon for school; a year or two from now. I just dont know if ill make it in Ellensburg till then!
ReplyDeleteAs for pregnancy- I dont know if youve ever met my pain tolerance, but it's crazy low. And I've never had the urge to procreate. Theres plenty of babies out there already that I can have. The only reason I consider pregnancy (and its a horrible reason) is because it would be easier at this point, less hoops to jump through. Then again, those hoops are there for a reason. So who knows.
Also.... Pregnancy would mean no roller derby!
BUT I do have a baby daddy lined up for the future if need be!