I found myself struggling today. I attended an EQuAL meeting and afterwards a Guess The Straight panel. The entire time I felt myself missing my "dykey-ness". Dont get me wrong, im still quite dykey. But im nearing closer to the feminine side. I cant really say im androgynous, but rather balancing the line in between with a foot on each side. Today I wore mens tennis shoes, fitted mens jeans, and a sweatshirt. Under my sweatshirt was a 3/4 sleeve girls t-shirt and my push up bra. I had a hippie-ish headband in my hair. I will soon have a hippie skirt arriving in the mail that I am thrilled to wear around the house. And I am definatley not against wearing it in public. I dont care what anyone thinks of how I look. And yet for some reason I find myself really missing my short hair and boys clothes. The dyke persona. Im the girliest, femmiest person in the butchiest body. Its really a brain trip sometimes! This is one of the reasons I want to lose weight. Because I think if I am thin I will be comfy in girls tops and boys bottoms and be able to have the best of both worlds at the same time.
Im trying hard to judge how much of what im feeling is coming from how I perceive others to see me and how I truly see myself. I feel like others find me more attractive as a butch and I feel more attractive to others that way. When I become more feminine, I feel as though I become invisible. Same with my hair, the longer it becomes the more ackward I feel. The hair growth itself will have to stick because I want my dreads. I wonder how the hair will impact my view of myself. Ive never seen a really butchy girl with dreads.
Rosie tells me im silly and am overthinking this. My friend Lynn says mostly the same. Im sure they are right, but I cant help where my brain wanders to.
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