Waiting, labels, and love

Im waiting. Im not a patient person at all. Waiting is an awful game for me, especially if I am waiting for something important. Which I am.
I took my Compass math test this morning as the last piece of my college admissions puzzle. I have spent the past week studying like mad online and felt that I learned a signifigant bit. I found out fairly quickly today, though, that it wasnt quite enough. I was nearly in tears for a good portion of the test. There were 25 questions. I completely guessed on 15 of them, I was clueless. I didnt even understand the question much less know the answer. I felt fairly confident with 7 of them. And the other 3 I think I may have got right but im not sure. I ended up getting a 43 and you need a 50 to get into Pre-Algebra. Immediatley after finishing the test I went to admissions to fight for my life. I was told that my scores actually werent THAT bad. I met the admissions director and he will be reviewing my file today and calling me in the afternoon. So now I wait. And try to cope with one helluva stress headache! -_-

I attended Speed Race-ing yesterday on campus. Everyone wore nametags on which they had written various personal labels. We went around the room and asked people questions about their labels. This event was fantastic and a goal of mine next school year will be to host it once again and hope for a higher attendance rate. I created a FB event with the same general idea, and I am considering wearing a nametag daily, just to get people thinking. My tag yesterday read: "Female. Lesbian. Polyamorus. Adopted. Roller Derby Referee. Aspiring ASL Interpereter. Dated a Deaf woman. Ex Domestic Partner had Cerebral Palsy. Neurological Disorder." I have swapped Lesbian for Femme Dyke, added Raised Catholic, and taken out the two about previous relationships. I am happy with how my tag looks for now :)

My relationships have been fluctuating a lot in the past week. I am trying to enjoy the fluidity and not dwell on the specifics. Summer is coming and soon two of the women I am involved with will be leaving. One will come back in the fall, one will not. There are more women in my periphery with whom the future has yet to be told.
My heart has a tendancy race in front of my head, and I end up digging myself out of emotional holes a lot. I dont try to control my heart. It would be a waste of time. I follow it blindly and take the joy that comes with the pain. My heart is innocent and unbiased and slightly ADHD. It doesnt think before it acts. It experiences love in all forms and at all speeds. As intense immediate enthrallment and as slow building comfort. Sometimes it pulses so strongly that I feel I cant breathe. I am thankful that I can feel and love, even when it is exhausting and confusing.

The experience of going from continued monogamy to polyamory has been very liberating. I feel free and happy. There are small stressors that poke their way through on occasion. Reminants of habitual monogamy and my general nature. I worry that I wont give someone enough attention. That I will give someone else too much. I worry about jealousy and about seeming selfish. I worry that I will become attached to each person in different ways and the others will feel neglected or under-appreciated. I am full of love and passion and honesty. But I have a terrible fear of hurting people and I worry it will hinder me in my relationships.

I leave for Austin in 15 days. As time passes I become increasingly nervous/anxious and excited. I cant wait to be out of town and seeing my best friend for the first time in 6 months. I look to the skies and ask whatever powers are out there that the flight down goes smoothly for both Rupert and I and that the visit is stress-free and full of memories.

Well.... off to do more waiting!