Ramblings.

Im starting to feel BUSY- its wonderful! I will be attending derby practices 5 days a week now! Doing my best to learn everything I can to be an efficient and effective official! Today will be my first day on skates at practice! I got the insurance thing taken care of this morning, and im SO excited! Yesterday we had an RCR team against team scrimmage and it was AWESOME! I was so proud of all those girls! I really am starting to feel like I am a part of something now, and its wonderful! On Saturday I went to Skateland with Rosie and Zach and had a blast. Felt like a total dork in my derby gear but it was worth it! Im totally comfortable forwards skating in derby stance, and doing a standing crossover on the corners, YAY!
With starting the 5 day a week practices will also come re-instating my diet! This NEEDS to happen! I was doing great and very proud of myself, and I got distracted. Time to get back on track! Skating daily and riding my bike will be a big help. Im already fitting into clothes I havent in years. I also bought a real bra this weekend and that has helped me feel a little better about wearing tighter clothes. It may be silly, but its part of a process to make me happy with myself!



I actually bought a headband as well, mostly just for practicality. My hair is long enough now that it is driving me CRAZY getting into my eyes! And I still have a few inches to go! The baking soda and ACV is going well so far. I decided not to pre-mix a big batch anymore, I will mix before each shower. I stopped brushing my hair as of yesterday out of curiosity to see if it will lock up on its own or not. Its thick and has some curl to it so it may, but I play with it so much that it might just keep the tangles out!
I emailed Lish the hair goddess to inquire about her pricing and length requirements and if she would be willing to work on a kids hair. At this point I plan to have my hair done when I go to Texas and am not sure about Charlie, but I did want to at least get in touch with Lish and see what she thought. Shes down to work on Char as well as Rosie and I and is only charging $75/hr to start dreads. So its something to keep in mind depending on future situations. She said she preffers shoulder length hair but will sometimes start at chin length. Ive got a ways to go either way!

The end of this week held some stressful moments for me. Ive been talking to people a lot recently, thinking about and picking apart some situations from the past. I dont spent time in regret and try to always look forward. But I believe that in order to sucessfully grow in life we have to be able to look at where we have been and see why things worked or didnt work. I was told by many people this past weekend that they see me changing for the worse. That I am a selfish, uncaring person headed down a dangeous road. It was very hard for me to hear these things because the part of myself that I am most proud of is my caring nature. I dont like to be judged. I have been told that I am changing to suit new people in my life. Well, I AM changing. I am changing in many ways. I continue to learn more about myself each day. But the only person I am changing for is MYSELF. There is no way to know if something will be right for me if I do not try it first hand. I am thankful of the people in my life who can support me through these changes. To the others, I know they mean well. I hope in time they will understand.


Most days right now i'm just hanging out enjoying life and going with the flow. And then some days I feel like I am alive inside myself inside of the world. It is an amazing, intense feeling. I question and disect and work towards understanding of myself and everything that surrounds me. I love the moments where I can sit back and feel everything slip away and realize "I am happy." I am so used to constant stress and worry. Always jumping through hoops to make sure things are done right. And now I am able to enjoy the ride for the most part. One of the times I can feel it the most is when the stress DOES come back. It used to be a common feeling. Now it is more foreign and upsets me when I feel it; im thankful for that. I feel amazingly at peace most of the time now.

Of the many changes I am making I dont know what will stick and what will continue to evolve, or go back to normal. On the minute level, I stopped using Tom's deoderant, I dont like it and it doesnt work and it makes me break out. But yet the no-shampoo thing is working wonderfully so far. Im feeling alright with not shaving right now, but I dont know if I will remain happy with it. All of the people I have met and continue to meet are absolutely amazing, and I hope that they will always remain in my life. I am still absolutley certain of idetifying as Polyamorus. I have hurt people in the past by getting into relationships and at some point down the line realizing that while I loved them I was not fully happy. The realization of this as a recurring part of my relationships as well as my introduction to Polyamory fit together seamlessly. The universe aligned for me on that one. It hurts me so much to hurt others. And being aware of this part of myself I truly believe will help me from doing that. I still want all the same things I have always wanted. I want to eventually settle down with a girl and have a house and kids. But I will also have girlfriends. Not "fuck buddies" of "friends with benefits". But functioning relationships with a different level of commitment from my primary partner. I truly feel that being honest about this from the start with any new partner will lead to less heartbreak (at least in relation to fidelity) in the future.
The ammount of stress this takes out of a situation can be amazing. Im involved with someone right now and its fantastic. There are no expectations. There is no jealousy. We could go out together, meet different people, and leave seperatley, and then have coffee the next day with no problems. I dont have to worry or stress about her reaction to anything. I can truly live for ME, and there is someone there to share moments with too. Its definatley a good feeling.

I found out yesterday that Rainbow Gathering will be in Washington this year. Ive been waiting since I was like 13 to go to RGOLL, and am so excited I will finally be able to go! The planning has begun! :)