I woke up recently next to a gorgeous specimen of woman. We woke up, together, and had a very lovely time. A friend said to me today "That's the problem with giving in... because it reminds you what you've been missing out on..." Its very true. That morning was a breath of fresh air. Something that probably wont happen again. But needed, and appreciated.
I love the female body so much. The curves and lines... the softness of their skin. Every. Single. Inch.
I thank you, for waking up with me :)

Ahhh, relief :)

I feel... relief. I dont know where to begin. I just sent 89 an email saying "i woke up this morning, and i was okay. my time with you was amazing. i adore you. i miss you, i always will. i really hope we can be friends in the future. you're a great person." And... its true.
For the last month or so i've been re-henna-ing my wrist every other day. Two hearts, with her initial in the middle. Its my reminder that I dont want to give up. I had just re-done it yesterday morn. Because of the frequency that I re-trace, the skin is dyed a very dark brown. I woke up this morning and almost all the brown was gone, leaving only a very faint trace of tan. I took it as a sign. I needed to let her go. And it made me feel immensely better. Sometimes, its the small things.
But really... I should back up.
In the past couple days I talked to a good friend in Seattle as well as my CS about my living situation and got some great input from both. I also received and email from the CHCI program that I had applied to as a Docent. I had gotten so wrapped up in everything that I actually forgot about it. Once it came back around and smacked me in the face I realized that I really want to make that work. I started looking at housing options in Ellensburg as well as Seattle.

Fresh Meat practice last night was amazing. The energy in the room was great- everyone was encouraging and the teamwork was fantastic. Afterwards I headed to a going away party for a friend at his house. I intended to stay for a few drinks and have a friend take me home. Didnt quite go down that way :) Fantastic people and much alcohol consumption and I ended up on the couch! It really was an excellent night tho. AND- I may have found a roomie for Ellensburg. Time will tell many things right now :)

Connections, ressurections, moving...

Had a blast last night at Skateland. Skating around like a fool dancing and signing to the music.... I really love being out with people. But when it comes down to it... the connections just really dont hold that strong outside of derby. I see these women when we practice or at other derby events, but thats about it. A few times i've been to someones house or gone out with a group... but I always kinda feel like im skirting the outside. Maybe I just havent put enough time in yet... but I feel connections pretty quick as a rule and if they dont develop early they usually dont develop at all.

I've pretty much give up on EVERYONE else in Ellensburg. I've tried to ressurect some connections in the past few days to no avail. People move on I guess, so I suppose I have to as well. I dont hold anything against anyone... life just happens sometimes. Its hard not to self-blame, and in some ways I do anyways, but I try not to.
These things are leading me closer to moving. Moving is scary. I have it easy here. Moving means I have to work, and pay bills, and all sorts of adult things that I hate doing. Moving means im away from my dad who, even though we bicker non-stop, is a safety net. Moving means I start over AGAIN. And every time I do that I know I am gaining a lot, but I feel like I lose parts of myself too. Its scary.

Crisis Averted.

Not the important one of me having to move, just a minor crisis. You see, due to a random change of events, there was a chance that 89 would be in town on Sunday and going to my Bout. Can you say PANIC ATTACK? I cant. Because I cant even breathe when I think about it! I have tried to keep other people out of the situation but due to pure terror I did ask someone if she would be here and thankfully she is 1,000 miles away for the next week. Which makes me think of my facebook post: "Is selling your possessions and traveling 1000 miles to attend an event that a girl you're crazy about will be at (along with 1,500 other people) considered stalking?

Oh... it is? Well. Crap. Guess im staying home this weekend!" In any case, I feel better knowing she is there and not here. She will enjoy herself (shes been looking forward to this for a LONG time) and Sunday will be a good day. As much as im dying to see her, even from across the room... I know I couldnt functionally skate with her there. I'd be lucky to not break down in tears when it comes down to it. And I dont want it to be awkward for her either.

Off to SkateLand in a bit to forget my worries for a while!

... and then back to finish a paper and stress about life ;-) At least im taking a break!

School vs. Finances vs. Emotional Happiness.

I've found myself in a tough situation, and need to make a decision. As indecisive as I am and as big of a decision as this could be- its not going to be easy.
Living at home is NOT working out for me. Its sad and frustrating. My dad and I have had issues in the past but generally we get along super easily. He's always let me do my own thing and never really questioned it. Now that his girlfriend is living here I am under constant scrutiny. I have to tell him where im going and how long ill be there if I leave the house. I get lectured if I go out on a school night. I am held responsible for any clutter in the house whether it is mine or not. I am also held responsible for any issue in the house whether I caused it or not (overflowing sink, crashed computer, door not locked, etc.) I constantly feel like I am in the way. Evidently my dad cannot handle having two women in his life. He wants to focus ALL of his energy on her, which is sweet, but I get severely way-layed in the process. He also seems to think that he must now enforce all these rules that I have NEVER had before. Setting a curfew (not actually, just endless complaining and demeaning comments if im out late) for the first time when your child is 23 just doesnt work. He is also getting frustrated with giving me rides which is hard when we live out of town. I rode my bike to and from practice today. It took me 2 hours to get into town because of the wind and when I got there I was too exhausted to skate.
Another issue I ran into today is that its looking pretty likely that I will need to re-take my math class. Which means if I take classes in the fall I will continue to be a non-matriculated student. This hasnt caused any issue for me yet but with it being fall quarter it will probably be quite hard to get into any necessary classes so late. I will also have to continue taking out more secondary loans. Another thing my dad has been doing recently is complaining on a daily basis about the amount of my ONE current student loan (he is the co-signer.) I want to avoid this situation as well. And the best option for me financially may be to just wait on school until I am 24 and can file my FAFSA with my own tax information rather than my fathers; as well as move to Oregon and attend the school I really want to go to.
Anyways. All of this adds up to- me needing to move, at the very least. I have quite a few options to consider.

1.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), continue going to school at CWU and taking out student loans until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Continuing with school. Can stay with derby.
Con- Taking out more loans, especially to cover housing costs.

2.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), take a break from school, get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.

Pro- Can stay with derby.
Con- Really hard to find a job right now. Still stuck in Ellensburg.

3.) Move to Seattle and get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Love Seattle. More social opportunities. Lots of derby. Public transportation.
Cons- Hate rain. Have to give up RCR derby. Hard to find a job right now. Seattle is expensive.

4.) Move to Ritzville with my mom for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon. Possibly work.

Pros- Living with Mary would be pretty carefree. Might give me a chance to collect my thoughts a bit. I probably wouldnt HAVE to work.
Cons- NO social interaction, its in the middle of nowhere. Have to give up ALL derby, i'd be skating alone at night on the sidewalks and thats it.

5.) Move to Oregon NOW and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and get into school.

Pros- I could gain residencey by being in the state for a year and pay cheaper tuition once I get into school. I love Oregon. There is derby in Salem. Public transportation.

Cons- I know virtually no one in Oregon. Its expensive. It rains a lot (so far I dont mind, but who knows if I MOVE there.) Its hard to find a job right now.

So these are the choices im looking at right now. Im thinking that I will probably stay with Mary for a month after school lets out and see how that goes. Just taking a break will be nice. When it comes right down to it im not going to get anywhere in the situation im in right now. Im miserable with my social life and family life and thats no good. If im not happy in those situations im bound to fail in school and other areas. The main thing keeping me in Ellensburg is derby, honestly. I dont have many friends here at the moment. I think i'll be spending a lot of time in the near future researching my options.

Dating frusturations!

Feeling pretty done with dating for a while, it doesnt seem to be working in my advantage. Maybe its just the fact that its summer in E-burg, I dont know. But its not working for me.

I've got one girlfriend halfway across the country for the summer.

Another girl I have been kinda/sorta dating went back to her ex. Which cut her off from me in a dating sense but also means I see her a lot less in a platonic way as well.

89's birthday was Yesterday. I didnt expect a response from my email, but it still stung a bit when one didnt come.

I went on a date last week with a girl ive known for a little while now. She lives in out of town but we've hung out a few times and there is a mutual attraction. Evidently we had different views on how that went.
My blog entry: "Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)"
Her blog entry: "I've been dating a little bit, and its been fun. Both men and women. There is one very pretty grrrrr in Ellensburg but it seems like we are both gravitating in different directions. I've found someone that I think I really like, and I'm a little surprised because it is not someone that would ever catch my eye...I mean, the kind of person that you go by in the grocery store and don't even notice. But once you make yourself look, well, his heart is like a kaleidoscope of radiant gems and syrups. My own juices are flowing with the bright heat of summer, and love is floating with the fuzzy cotton tree seeds in the wind."
Notice the bolded/italic sentence in hers. Yeah. Not exactly on the same page :-/ The frustrating part for me is having (as usual, it seems) NO IDEA what shes talking about. The only thing I can think of is that ive been in a crazy funk the last few weeks and she is a very onward and upward person with a very strong heart and sensitive soul. Maybe the subtle negativity inside me got to her. If that is the case its a hard realization for me. I am usually crazily upbeat even in very hard times. I've recently let myself get brought down and am working really hard on climbing out of that hole, but its hard. I am fueled by social interaction and having not had much recently make it a tough battle for me.

I need to kick my ass into gear and get over it.

A bit lonely.

I am not a sit-still person. I like to be busy, I like to do things. Im typically content with watching a movie but especially during the summer I really want to be out and about. I want to swim and hike and be outside. This is the first time not having a license has really bothered me. When I just want to go up into the woods. It does make me want to live in the city so i've got more options for transportation and activities. Maybe I would even become more comfortable doing things on my own. I absolutley hate being alone. Which is what im struggling with right now. I have a huge base of social friends and aquantinces, but I dont have many really close friends and people I can do stuff with. I miss that. I get lonely and depressed fairly easy. Im ready to move to Oregon now and work till I can go to school. Or even move to Seattle in the mean time. School is my driving force but I will never make it through without social companionship.

In other news... I went to my cousins wedding yesterday. It was beautiful with pinks and oranges- very pretty. I never thought he would settle down so it was kind of exciting as well. But shortly after the ceremony started I was wincing a bit. It was heavily religious. I was raised Catholic and still practicing as of maybe 6 months ago. But during my transitions i've reaized that my views are skewed. Now, hearing a religion-laced wedding ceremony made me cringe and feel uncomfortable. I love weddings. I want one someday! But not like that. I definatley dont feel catholic anymore. I havent figured out what I am yet, but I know what im not.

Being at a wedding also really made me long for relationships. Im so in love with love! It also intensified my current baby craze. At least a couple times a year I get into a baby mode and its happening right now. It really does make me a bit crazy! To the point that I have posted on craigslist before looking for a sperm donor. And I am the most anti-pregnancy person in the world. I dont have any intrest in it. None of it sounds appealing except for the final product. I dont want 9 months of misery, I dont want the pain of labor. Not to mention I want to adopt, as I was adopted. I WILL adopt in the future. But the chance of me having a child naturally is not all-together gone, actually. It may happen. I do intend to wait until im done with school to have a child. That way I can better support us as well as focus on school and enjoy my free time. But I sure wouldnt complain if somehow it happened in the mean time.

89's birthday is today. I spent the past couple weeks preparing and video recording a song in ASL for her. It turned out well, im quite happy with it. I actually want to start making more! But this one was for her. I sent her a short and sweet email and attached the video as well as a letter. I dont actually expect to hear from her, but it would make me ecstatic if I did. I really miss her. I would be happy with anything, just to have her in my life again. Or at the very least an explaination of why shes not.

And now... I've got a junk ton of math homework to do and a research paper to write and currently not the tiniest fucking bit of motivation to do it :-/

Date

Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)

Gay Advice Faerie

Its been one of those "Gay Advice Faerie" kind of days! Multiple people messaging me with relationship issues, identity/orientation problems, and all kinds of good stuff. Makes me feel special! My friends always used to joke that I was their "Pocket Therapist" and sometimes it really does feel that way. Im honored, though, that people trust me enough to share their trials and tribulations with me, many times even when they dont know me well. I like to think it says something good about my character :)

:)

Im hoping to have a date with a beautiful girl, WR, next week. Someone i've been friends with for a while but we've only hung out in person a few times (and then we were both heavily under the influence of alcohol). So the goal is to finally hang out for an extended period next week. It will be a lovely break from all the emotional heartache recently. And hopefully quite a bit of fun as well :)

If I was going to be smart about all this and give my poor head and heart a break I would focus on seeing WR. That would be intelligent. But thats just silly. I never make the smart, easy choice! So I will continue to think about 89. But hopefully now at least I will have some rest time for my brain!

food for thought.

a few lines from a chat i was having today.

i dont agree with making someone a better person. it took me a long time to realize that. i dont agree with being someones happiness, either. you should not MAKE someone better but help bring out the good that is inside them. you should not be WHAT makes them happy but be the reason the understand their own personal happiness. you have to take responsibility for YOURSELF.

erm... that sounded like a philosophy major with a hangover lol
we grow up hearing "my other half". its not like that though. we must be whole in order to love fully. your partner should just compliment you, not complete you.

Degrees of separation vs. attachment

I have weird attachment issues. I get attached very quickly, be it platonic or romantic. I crave physical connection in my relationships, both platonic and romantic. If I am loyal to you, I will kill for you or die for you. When people in my life feel pain, it makes me hurt. I hat to be alone. I want to have people around me 24/7. I get anxiety and become depressed when I dont have face-to-face social time frequently, as well as if I am lacking in physical contact.
Ive realized recently that on top of all of those things, I also have attachment to certain people outside of my personal circle yet still in my "network". Assuming you are a friend of my close friend, I will often impose my feelings of that person on to you to an extent. I find myself protective of those people. I cant quite put this into words. And I dont have an example I can use without incriminating people at the moment. But it may be something that I re-visit in the future.

Which way to go.

You know, its a little frustrating. I'm stuck somewhere between really wanting to just forget about 89 and not being willing to let her go. I know the healthiest thing is to just cut my losses and move on. But im not satisfied. Two weeks was not enough. I know we can have more than that, be better than that. And I just cant let go without answers. Without knowing why.

Friends?

You know those Facebook status' that say "We all have at least (however many) friends, but how many are TRUE friends" blah blah blah? I dont re-post shit like that. Its boring and silly. But sometimes I DO feel that way. Like when I get 13 'likes' on a picture (which I appreciate, mind you) and I see my friends posting all over FB but no one has time to text me or reply to my text. Its a bit disheartening, really. I'll admit to being a Facebook (and technology/social networking in general) junkie, but I still thrive on person-to-person contact and interaction.

I made a decision based on this today. As to the slew of people who havent been replying to me recently, im done texting them. It will be their choice to contact me first.

Insecurities.

I have an insecurity that I've never really shared with anyone. It comes and goes, which is probably why I am able to ignore it most of the time. However, on occassion, it really gets to me.
Many of my friends are highly intelligent people. Their daily conversation and interests tend to encompass all sorts of worldly things; politics, history, and the like. I am interested in those things... but I dont necessarily always understand them. When I was younger I would pride myself on intelligence and knowledge. But I reached a point where I kind of dropped off the face of the earth and it took me a few years to climb back out of that black hole. And now I find myself lost on and off in my daily life. I listen to people talk on campus and realize I dont comprehend a good amount of what they are talking about. And it scares me. I dont want to be that person. I worry some days that my friends will realize im slow and shallow and want nothing to do with me. Im hoping that awareness of all of this as well as being a functioning member of society again will help me get to a point where I am comfortable.

I have accepted and moved past insecurities surrounding other parts of myself. My personality can be intense and overbearing; im clingy and crave physical contact. I can come off as kind of a creeper, but I mean well. I hope people take the time to get to know me before they cast me off for these reasons. But if they dont take the time I try to just accept that my life is better without them.

Skirting around!

I went shopping yesterday and picked up two skirts and a girls tank, and a pair of fishnets and new laces for derby. Discussing my skirt with a friend she said "every so often i dig up the old skirts I have in my closet, but even just standing there in my room, it makes me feel naked and awkward." And it reminded me of a time, only a year or two ago, when I was trying on my old roommates girly clothes. My roomie and girlfriend at the time both said I looked great, but mentally I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. I panicked, for whatever reason, having those clothes on. And now, such a short time later, im happily purchasing skirts at Old Navy! I still have days where im not 100% comfortable, but those moments typically related to body image issues or worries over visibility of sexual preference. Its quite a good feeling, really :)

Do I smell?

Do I smell bad? I must smell bad, or something. My friends seem to be dropping off like flies. I know its summer and people are busy... but everyone has time to update their facebook status' and whatnot. Yet I cant get a text back from anyone. *shrug* Maybe im just in a generally mopey mood, I dunno. I just want to hang out outside and enjoy the weather. BBQ and bonfire and camp. Watch movies. Be around people. It sucks.

First day of FM!

Tonight was my first night skating at a Fresh Meat practice for RCR. Basically my first time skating just as a skater and not as a ref. It was a great day to start because some girls came over from PFM (Potential Fresh Meat) in Seattle to work with us. SO. MUCH. FUN! I struggled a bit for a while and became frustrated but the PFM girls were awesome and supportive and I learned a lot! I successfully did my first tomahawk stop! The whole evening was superb! All I want to do is skate. I cant wait till I can HIT someone! :-D
The success of the night did, of course, make me miss 89. I actually came home and emailed her out of excitement. I know it will hurt when she doesnt respond, but hitting send on that short note really did feel good. I just wish she was around as a friend to gush about derby to!

Appearance.

Trying to get ready to go out for the day I find myself struggling. I chose to wear guys clothing today. My hair is looking majorly crazy right now and I really need to have SOMETHING in it so I grabbed a black bandana and put it in like a headband. Which isnt as girly as a head scarf, but its still pretty girly looking. And my brain goes to- "Im not going to pick up women this way." No, thats not my main focus of the day. Not even close. But I am conceited enough that I DO care to an extent what I look like when I go out. And I do judge my appearance based on what others think when they look at me.
When I was dykey it didnt matter if a lesbian was attracted to me or not, they still knew I was a lesbian. There wasnt that questioning period. It makes situations quicker and easier. Now im in this weird limbo not really fitting into either category. And even if im inwardly happy with my outward appearance, I struggle with how others perceive me. Im not boyish anymore, but im definatley not a femme, either. So many people out there are specifically looking for one or the other. Not someone who fits a tiny bit into each category.
Im not lacking for companions at the moment and I dont think ill be alone for the rest of my life or any of that nonsense. Its just frusturating to feel like my options are limited by my appearance. I already struggle with other parts of myself that make it hard at times to bring new people into my life.
*sigh* I suppose its all part of the journey...

Decison.

I made a decision. I refuse to give up. I love 89. End of story. Im moving on with my life, but Im NOT giving up. I will win her heart some day.

Ch-ch-ch-change!

Yesterday I went to Yakima and stopped by my old work. Excited to see co-workers I walked up to people smiling and offering hugs. The majority of the time I was met with strange looks and had people walk away. I was upset and hurt for a while until I realized what was happening... people werent recognizing me. When I left work in January I still had super short clipper cut hair and wore only mens clothes. Yesterday I had my hippie skirt on and my dreadies tied up in a scarf. It was a bit strange. In the last 6 months I have changed enough that people I was once fairly close to dont even recognize me. Wow.
You know, im happy with myself. I really am. I dont fit into a box or under a label. But i've stopped trying to explain it all. First of all its really no ones business! Secondly.... I dont necessarily have words for it. But it works for ME, and thats all that matters.
There are times when I waiver. When I think "its so much easier to just fit into one category". I feel awkward hitting on women while im wearing a skirt and a head scarf. But I think part of that is just time. It takes time to adjust. Ive changed a lot in a short period of time and I am finally catching up with myself.

this is why.

so damn perfect.

Grr.

Woke up frustrating myself with "what if" questions and blaming myself. Feeling like MY actions on the night of the drag show were what caused this great divide. I was trying to respect 89's space and let her call the shots and not overwhelm her, and she took it as me being petty and immature. Did I fuck it up then? What should I have done differently?

Goal of the day- real blog post. NOT about her. Imma put on my thinkin cap!