Loving every minute of it!

Its been a while. Almost a month. I cant even begin to explain all the things that have happened in that time. But im going to try.

On July 29th I received an email reply to a craigslist add I had posted looking to meet people. Her name was Michelle, and we exchanged more than 30 emails the next day. Things were quiet for a few days, and then I text her. We were soon averaging at least 500 sent/received text each day to each other. We started to learn about each other. She was very adamant that she is strictly monogamous. I was set in my polyamory. We were both willing to put those things aside to get to know each other. She had been in a 10 year relationship and had two kids from that. She was cautious about dating but said that the things she was doing werent working out for her, and that caused her to stray from her normal way of doing things and email me. I told her many of my own stories and was 100% honest, as always. We soon began making plans for me to visit. We were both a bit apprehensive in this very new situation, but wanted to try it. We went in with mutual understanding and no expectations at all.
On August 11th my Dad and BK dropped me off at Michelles house in Prosser. Her two children were waiting outside for me to arrive. I grabbed my bag, waved goodbye to my dad, and went inside. I akwardly hugged Michelle. We'd talked about the initial meeting probably feeling weird, but that we were sure we would get over it quickly. And we did. In no time at all we were talking and laughing. I was cleaning the kitchen after she cooked dinner with one kid riding piggy-back the whole time. We slept at night with my arms wrapped around her. We were constantly touching in some subtle way all day and night. I stayed for three nights that first visit. On August 14th, as we drove to meet my friend on the last day, she held my hand in the car. My heart fluttered the whole way.
We missed each other instantly. The text messages flew. We both felt more strongly than we had ever imagined we would. I already wanted to be back with her. We spent all week anxious for me to come back. On August 17th Michelle and I were talking through text. She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I would be intetested in a relationship with her. Then she asked if I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I said yes.
On August 19th Michelle and the kids drove to Ellensburg and picked me up. All the way to Prosser we either held hands, or her hand was on my leg, or my arm around her shoulder. We touched in some way the whole trip. Once back at her house things picked up where the left off, but even better. We were affectionate now even when the kids were around. It was the last weekend before school started so we wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. We played in the pool, watched movies, and went to Chuck E Cheeses.
On August 21st I got online and went to the school district website where Michelle works. There was an employment listing for a Paraprofessional with ASL skills. My heart skipped a beat. For this listing to even exist was huge; the town is small. I excitedly showed Michelle the listing. We became caught in a whirlwind of excitement and fear. She started calling around and asking about the position, I started editing my resume. We talked about what it would mean for me to get the job, that I would move to Prosser.... I was so nervous I called a dear friend that has always been a second Mom to me. I tried my best to explain the situation. That Michelle and I hardly knew each other but things had never felt so right. After a long conversation, my friend told me to go for it.

The next day we found out that the position had been filled. My heart sank. The euphoric cloud we had been riding on dissolved before our eyes. Then we had to decide what to do. Was the idea of me moving in based purely on the job listing? That is what brought the subject up, but I refused to let it be what diminished the thought as well. We had been given a sign. We decided that we both wanted me to be there, not to leave. That I would figure out the job situation, and move to Prosser. Move in with Michelle. Fear controlled my body at this point.

In August 25th I made a very hard phone call. I had to end my relationship with Lynn. Part of moving in with Michelle would mean monogamy. The thought was terrifying. I had only recently found polyamory and never thought I could live any other way. But there was no doubt in my mind of my heart that what I felt with Michelle was right. Hurting Lynn hurt me very much, because I DO care about her. She was wonderful about it, of course. She is a truly good person, and I hope that the world treats her accordingly.

On August 27th Mary (my mom) came to Prosser to pick me up. I had spent 11 out of the past 16 nights with Michelle. It felt like it had been years. I couldnt stay gone long, though, and returned to Prosser five days later and im still here. Applying for jobs and trying to get things in order for that.
Leaving Ellensburg will be hard in some ways. I wont be able to continue with derby for a while (though I will still be skating as much as possible.) I wont be able to continue with CHCI. I will be living in a town where I dont know anyone and my friends will be far away. But I plan to spend a weekend or two a month in Eburg. To go to Yakima and the Tri-Cities often. To be social and happy. All the fear has now subsided. There is nothing I want more than this. I grew up wanting a house and family. I thought I found it at a young age, but I was too young and jumped in too quick and it went to shit. This happened a few times. Finally, I stopped looking. I had resigned myself to having kids by myself and always having multiple relationships. And then this all just fell into my lap. I went into a situation with no expectations and I found everything I ever wanted.

Michelle makes me laugh. We never stop laughing. We never stop touching (speaking of which- the sex is AMAZING. Seriously. Best sex ive ever had.) Everything about this feels so right. When she goes to work I love staying home to clean and do laundry. When the kids crawl into bed sick in the middle of the night there is still nowhere i'd rather be. Shes willing to move when its time for me to go to school. She knows about my plans for children and wants to be a part of it. She wants to travel with me. Every moment of every day feels like a gift when we are together. She does things like buying me a souvenir cup when we went to Chuck E Cheese because she knew I would enjoy it. She celebrates my childish habits rather than berating me for them. She encourages me to do things I love rather than making me choose between her and those things. She is absolutely wonderful. This is everything I have ever wanted and more, and I cant wait for the future.

Life hates me.

Fantastic day turned pretty awful :-(

My soon-to-be roomie and I went apartment hunting today. Saw a couple places... and FELL IN LOVE. There is an apartment i've wanted to live in since I was 13. In all honesty at this point I kinda figured that I had idolized it and it wouldnt be as cool as I remember. It wasnt. It was SO MUCH BETTER. Its a second story apartment above some stores downtown. 20 foot high ceilings, hardwood floors, tons of space. A rooftop deck with couches and a BBQ. A loung-y area for tenants with a pool table, piano, and BAR. It makes being away from campus and paying a little bit more SOOOOO worth it. PLUS she can keep her bunny and I can have Dash!
So in order to get this place we need to give him $200 to hold it and then $850 for the first months rent and $650 for a deposit by September 1st. We sat around talking finances and I came home to start my fall quarter loan request so that i'd have the cash. And then... I got denied. I wont qualify for any other loans, including private loans, even with a cosigner, until im 24. So no school... and no apartment.
I actually cried. I cried because after all this work to get into school, its still not working out. I cried because I want this apartment SO much, and my chances of getting it were just slashed to like 10%.
Ive applied for pretty much every open position in Ellensburg in the last 4 hours. But even if I get a job theres no way i'll have $850 by September 1st.
I feel like life hates me :(

Full.

I am full of emotions. So many new situations and experiences are happening right now. I fell peaceful, frightened, excited, unsure, enlightened.... I feel hopeful for the future and thankful to the past... I feel ready.

Good things.

Having a very lazy day today due to (what I assume is) a torn thigh muscle. I hurt it a month or so ago while skating and then re-injured it a couple weeks later... and I gave it the final blow at the river yesterday. So ive spent the day on the couch with ice packs and ace bandages, and ill be off skates for a while.
Yesterday was fabulous other than that though, went up to Teanaway with a friend and enjoyed the river all day!
Headed to Wenatchee tomorrow for derby and a BBQ. My first day of shadowing at CHCI is on Sunday.
I've got a roommate lined up and we're looking at places in town, and ive applied for a few jobs. Things are looking good.

Interesting turn of events romance-wise as of late. Met a lovely woman online and plan to spend a few days with her next week. Had a bit of a fling with a friend and we are having a day out (with wine) soon, so we'll see where that goes. Surely cant complain on either count :)

Because I can.

April 2010-ish.

Balance?

So im staying in Ellensburg. Moving into town by September 1st with an awesome person, which makes me feel a bit better.
Now i've got to figure the rest of my shit out. I could...
1.) Get a full-time job and take a break from school for a year, start paying back loans while not in school.
2.) Stay in school full time and take out extra in loans to pay for rent.
3.) Attempt to go to school and work.
Keeping in mind I will also be starting at a Docent at CHCI (think internship) and I try to make it to derby as many days as possible.
I feel like I should just pick the answer out of a hat :-/

Ramadan, and sexuality.

Considering observing Ramadan and fasting for the next 30 days. Im not Muslim, but I have friends who are and others who observe in some form. Things keeping me from doing it: Its August. I have lots of various things going on, and many of them will involve food. More than that- derby. Im scared that I wont have enough nutrients to be skating three hours a day. Hmmm.

A friend told me: "Remember, you cant have sex or masturbate either." Yes well I also dont plan to spend more than half of my day praying! No way in hell im giving up those things, hah.
Im actually feeling incredibly sexual recently. I dont know what it is! Ive been all riled up. I must find an outlet for these feelings ;-)

I woke up recently next to a gorgeous specimen of woman. We woke up, together, and had a very lovely time. A friend said to me today "That's the problem with giving in... because it reminds you what you've been missing out on..." Its very true. That morning was a breath of fresh air. Something that probably wont happen again. But needed, and appreciated.
I love the female body so much. The curves and lines... the softness of their skin. Every. Single. Inch.
I thank you, for waking up with me :)

Ahhh, relief :)

I feel... relief. I dont know where to begin. I just sent 89 an email saying "i woke up this morning, and i was okay. my time with you was amazing. i adore you. i miss you, i always will. i really hope we can be friends in the future. you're a great person." And... its true.
For the last month or so i've been re-henna-ing my wrist every other day. Two hearts, with her initial in the middle. Its my reminder that I dont want to give up. I had just re-done it yesterday morn. Because of the frequency that I re-trace, the skin is dyed a very dark brown. I woke up this morning and almost all the brown was gone, leaving only a very faint trace of tan. I took it as a sign. I needed to let her go. And it made me feel immensely better. Sometimes, its the small things.
But really... I should back up.
In the past couple days I talked to a good friend in Seattle as well as my CS about my living situation and got some great input from both. I also received and email from the CHCI program that I had applied to as a Docent. I had gotten so wrapped up in everything that I actually forgot about it. Once it came back around and smacked me in the face I realized that I really want to make that work. I started looking at housing options in Ellensburg as well as Seattle.

Fresh Meat practice last night was amazing. The energy in the room was great- everyone was encouraging and the teamwork was fantastic. Afterwards I headed to a going away party for a friend at his house. I intended to stay for a few drinks and have a friend take me home. Didnt quite go down that way :) Fantastic people and much alcohol consumption and I ended up on the couch! It really was an excellent night tho. AND- I may have found a roomie for Ellensburg. Time will tell many things right now :)

Connections, ressurections, moving...

Had a blast last night at Skateland. Skating around like a fool dancing and signing to the music.... I really love being out with people. But when it comes down to it... the connections just really dont hold that strong outside of derby. I see these women when we practice or at other derby events, but thats about it. A few times i've been to someones house or gone out with a group... but I always kinda feel like im skirting the outside. Maybe I just havent put enough time in yet... but I feel connections pretty quick as a rule and if they dont develop early they usually dont develop at all.

I've pretty much give up on EVERYONE else in Ellensburg. I've tried to ressurect some connections in the past few days to no avail. People move on I guess, so I suppose I have to as well. I dont hold anything against anyone... life just happens sometimes. Its hard not to self-blame, and in some ways I do anyways, but I try not to.
These things are leading me closer to moving. Moving is scary. I have it easy here. Moving means I have to work, and pay bills, and all sorts of adult things that I hate doing. Moving means im away from my dad who, even though we bicker non-stop, is a safety net. Moving means I start over AGAIN. And every time I do that I know I am gaining a lot, but I feel like I lose parts of myself too. Its scary.

Crisis Averted.

Not the important one of me having to move, just a minor crisis. You see, due to a random change of events, there was a chance that 89 would be in town on Sunday and going to my Bout. Can you say PANIC ATTACK? I cant. Because I cant even breathe when I think about it! I have tried to keep other people out of the situation but due to pure terror I did ask someone if she would be here and thankfully she is 1,000 miles away for the next week. Which makes me think of my facebook post: "Is selling your possessions and traveling 1000 miles to attend an event that a girl you're crazy about will be at (along with 1,500 other people) considered stalking?

Oh... it is? Well. Crap. Guess im staying home this weekend!" In any case, I feel better knowing she is there and not here. She will enjoy herself (shes been looking forward to this for a LONG time) and Sunday will be a good day. As much as im dying to see her, even from across the room... I know I couldnt functionally skate with her there. I'd be lucky to not break down in tears when it comes down to it. And I dont want it to be awkward for her either.

Off to SkateLand in a bit to forget my worries for a while!

... and then back to finish a paper and stress about life ;-) At least im taking a break!

School vs. Finances vs. Emotional Happiness.

I've found myself in a tough situation, and need to make a decision. As indecisive as I am and as big of a decision as this could be- its not going to be easy.
Living at home is NOT working out for me. Its sad and frustrating. My dad and I have had issues in the past but generally we get along super easily. He's always let me do my own thing and never really questioned it. Now that his girlfriend is living here I am under constant scrutiny. I have to tell him where im going and how long ill be there if I leave the house. I get lectured if I go out on a school night. I am held responsible for any clutter in the house whether it is mine or not. I am also held responsible for any issue in the house whether I caused it or not (overflowing sink, crashed computer, door not locked, etc.) I constantly feel like I am in the way. Evidently my dad cannot handle having two women in his life. He wants to focus ALL of his energy on her, which is sweet, but I get severely way-layed in the process. He also seems to think that he must now enforce all these rules that I have NEVER had before. Setting a curfew (not actually, just endless complaining and demeaning comments if im out late) for the first time when your child is 23 just doesnt work. He is also getting frustrated with giving me rides which is hard when we live out of town. I rode my bike to and from practice today. It took me 2 hours to get into town because of the wind and when I got there I was too exhausted to skate.
Another issue I ran into today is that its looking pretty likely that I will need to re-take my math class. Which means if I take classes in the fall I will continue to be a non-matriculated student. This hasnt caused any issue for me yet but with it being fall quarter it will probably be quite hard to get into any necessary classes so late. I will also have to continue taking out more secondary loans. Another thing my dad has been doing recently is complaining on a daily basis about the amount of my ONE current student loan (he is the co-signer.) I want to avoid this situation as well. And the best option for me financially may be to just wait on school until I am 24 and can file my FAFSA with my own tax information rather than my fathers; as well as move to Oregon and attend the school I really want to go to.
Anyways. All of this adds up to- me needing to move, at the very least. I have quite a few options to consider.

1.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), continue going to school at CWU and taking out student loans until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Continuing with school. Can stay with derby.
Con- Taking out more loans, especially to cover housing costs.

2.) Move into town (in Ellensburg), take a break from school, get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.

Pro- Can stay with derby.
Con- Really hard to find a job right now. Still stuck in Ellensburg.

3.) Move to Seattle and get a job and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon.
Pro- Love Seattle. More social opportunities. Lots of derby. Public transportation.
Cons- Hate rain. Have to give up RCR derby. Hard to find a job right now. Seattle is expensive.

4.) Move to Ritzville with my mom for a year until I can file FAFSA and move to Oregon. Possibly work.

Pros- Living with Mary would be pretty carefree. Might give me a chance to collect my thoughts a bit. I probably wouldnt HAVE to work.
Cons- NO social interaction, its in the middle of nowhere. Have to give up ALL derby, i'd be skating alone at night on the sidewalks and thats it.

5.) Move to Oregon NOW and work for a year until I can file FAFSA and get into school.

Pros- I could gain residencey by being in the state for a year and pay cheaper tuition once I get into school. I love Oregon. There is derby in Salem. Public transportation.

Cons- I know virtually no one in Oregon. Its expensive. It rains a lot (so far I dont mind, but who knows if I MOVE there.) Its hard to find a job right now.

So these are the choices im looking at right now. Im thinking that I will probably stay with Mary for a month after school lets out and see how that goes. Just taking a break will be nice. When it comes right down to it im not going to get anywhere in the situation im in right now. Im miserable with my social life and family life and thats no good. If im not happy in those situations im bound to fail in school and other areas. The main thing keeping me in Ellensburg is derby, honestly. I dont have many friends here at the moment. I think i'll be spending a lot of time in the near future researching my options.

Dating frusturations!

Feeling pretty done with dating for a while, it doesnt seem to be working in my advantage. Maybe its just the fact that its summer in E-burg, I dont know. But its not working for me.

I've got one girlfriend halfway across the country for the summer.

Another girl I have been kinda/sorta dating went back to her ex. Which cut her off from me in a dating sense but also means I see her a lot less in a platonic way as well.

89's birthday was Yesterday. I didnt expect a response from my email, but it still stung a bit when one didnt come.

I went on a date last week with a girl ive known for a little while now. She lives in out of town but we've hung out a few times and there is a mutual attraction. Evidently we had different views on how that went.
My blog entry: "Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)"
Her blog entry: "I've been dating a little bit, and its been fun. Both men and women. There is one very pretty grrrrr in Ellensburg but it seems like we are both gravitating in different directions. I've found someone that I think I really like, and I'm a little surprised because it is not someone that would ever catch my eye...I mean, the kind of person that you go by in the grocery store and don't even notice. But once you make yourself look, well, his heart is like a kaleidoscope of radiant gems and syrups. My own juices are flowing with the bright heat of summer, and love is floating with the fuzzy cotton tree seeds in the wind."
Notice the bolded/italic sentence in hers. Yeah. Not exactly on the same page :-/ The frustrating part for me is having (as usual, it seems) NO IDEA what shes talking about. The only thing I can think of is that ive been in a crazy funk the last few weeks and she is a very onward and upward person with a very strong heart and sensitive soul. Maybe the subtle negativity inside me got to her. If that is the case its a hard realization for me. I am usually crazily upbeat even in very hard times. I've recently let myself get brought down and am working really hard on climbing out of that hole, but its hard. I am fueled by social interaction and having not had much recently make it a tough battle for me.

I need to kick my ass into gear and get over it.

A bit lonely.

I am not a sit-still person. I like to be busy, I like to do things. Im typically content with watching a movie but especially during the summer I really want to be out and about. I want to swim and hike and be outside. This is the first time not having a license has really bothered me. When I just want to go up into the woods. It does make me want to live in the city so i've got more options for transportation and activities. Maybe I would even become more comfortable doing things on my own. I absolutley hate being alone. Which is what im struggling with right now. I have a huge base of social friends and aquantinces, but I dont have many really close friends and people I can do stuff with. I miss that. I get lonely and depressed fairly easy. Im ready to move to Oregon now and work till I can go to school. Or even move to Seattle in the mean time. School is my driving force but I will never make it through without social companionship.

In other news... I went to my cousins wedding yesterday. It was beautiful with pinks and oranges- very pretty. I never thought he would settle down so it was kind of exciting as well. But shortly after the ceremony started I was wincing a bit. It was heavily religious. I was raised Catholic and still practicing as of maybe 6 months ago. But during my transitions i've reaized that my views are skewed. Now, hearing a religion-laced wedding ceremony made me cringe and feel uncomfortable. I love weddings. I want one someday! But not like that. I definatley dont feel catholic anymore. I havent figured out what I am yet, but I know what im not.

Being at a wedding also really made me long for relationships. Im so in love with love! It also intensified my current baby craze. At least a couple times a year I get into a baby mode and its happening right now. It really does make me a bit crazy! To the point that I have posted on craigslist before looking for a sperm donor. And I am the most anti-pregnancy person in the world. I dont have any intrest in it. None of it sounds appealing except for the final product. I dont want 9 months of misery, I dont want the pain of labor. Not to mention I want to adopt, as I was adopted. I WILL adopt in the future. But the chance of me having a child naturally is not all-together gone, actually. It may happen. I do intend to wait until im done with school to have a child. That way I can better support us as well as focus on school and enjoy my free time. But I sure wouldnt complain if somehow it happened in the mean time.

89's birthday is today. I spent the past couple weeks preparing and video recording a song in ASL for her. It turned out well, im quite happy with it. I actually want to start making more! But this one was for her. I sent her a short and sweet email and attached the video as well as a letter. I dont actually expect to hear from her, but it would make me ecstatic if I did. I really miss her. I would be happy with anything, just to have her in my life again. Or at the very least an explaination of why shes not.

And now... I've got a junk ton of math homework to do and a research paper to write and currently not the tiniest fucking bit of motivation to do it :-/

Date

Had a wonderful "date" yesterday. An afternoon picnic in a quiet park. Champagne and conversation with a beautiful girl. We knew each other before, so it was lovely and low key, and I hopt to do it again soon :) I thoroughly enjoy her company and feel great when im around her. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me want to run through the woods naked, actually, which is a pretty fun feeling :)

Gay Advice Faerie

Its been one of those "Gay Advice Faerie" kind of days! Multiple people messaging me with relationship issues, identity/orientation problems, and all kinds of good stuff. Makes me feel special! My friends always used to joke that I was their "Pocket Therapist" and sometimes it really does feel that way. Im honored, though, that people trust me enough to share their trials and tribulations with me, many times even when they dont know me well. I like to think it says something good about my character :)

:)

Im hoping to have a date with a beautiful girl, WR, next week. Someone i've been friends with for a while but we've only hung out in person a few times (and then we were both heavily under the influence of alcohol). So the goal is to finally hang out for an extended period next week. It will be a lovely break from all the emotional heartache recently. And hopefully quite a bit of fun as well :)

If I was going to be smart about all this and give my poor head and heart a break I would focus on seeing WR. That would be intelligent. But thats just silly. I never make the smart, easy choice! So I will continue to think about 89. But hopefully now at least I will have some rest time for my brain!

food for thought.

a few lines from a chat i was having today.

i dont agree with making someone a better person. it took me a long time to realize that. i dont agree with being someones happiness, either. you should not MAKE someone better but help bring out the good that is inside them. you should not be WHAT makes them happy but be the reason the understand their own personal happiness. you have to take responsibility for YOURSELF.

erm... that sounded like a philosophy major with a hangover lol
we grow up hearing "my other half". its not like that though. we must be whole in order to love fully. your partner should just compliment you, not complete you.

Degrees of separation vs. attachment

I have weird attachment issues. I get attached very quickly, be it platonic or romantic. I crave physical connection in my relationships, both platonic and romantic. If I am loyal to you, I will kill for you or die for you. When people in my life feel pain, it makes me hurt. I hat to be alone. I want to have people around me 24/7. I get anxiety and become depressed when I dont have face-to-face social time frequently, as well as if I am lacking in physical contact.
Ive realized recently that on top of all of those things, I also have attachment to certain people outside of my personal circle yet still in my "network". Assuming you are a friend of my close friend, I will often impose my feelings of that person on to you to an extent. I find myself protective of those people. I cant quite put this into words. And I dont have an example I can use without incriminating people at the moment. But it may be something that I re-visit in the future.

Which way to go.

You know, its a little frustrating. I'm stuck somewhere between really wanting to just forget about 89 and not being willing to let her go. I know the healthiest thing is to just cut my losses and move on. But im not satisfied. Two weeks was not enough. I know we can have more than that, be better than that. And I just cant let go without answers. Without knowing why.

Friends?

You know those Facebook status' that say "We all have at least (however many) friends, but how many are TRUE friends" blah blah blah? I dont re-post shit like that. Its boring and silly. But sometimes I DO feel that way. Like when I get 13 'likes' on a picture (which I appreciate, mind you) and I see my friends posting all over FB but no one has time to text me or reply to my text. Its a bit disheartening, really. I'll admit to being a Facebook (and technology/social networking in general) junkie, but I still thrive on person-to-person contact and interaction.

I made a decision based on this today. As to the slew of people who havent been replying to me recently, im done texting them. It will be their choice to contact me first.

Insecurities.

I have an insecurity that I've never really shared with anyone. It comes and goes, which is probably why I am able to ignore it most of the time. However, on occassion, it really gets to me.
Many of my friends are highly intelligent people. Their daily conversation and interests tend to encompass all sorts of worldly things; politics, history, and the like. I am interested in those things... but I dont necessarily always understand them. When I was younger I would pride myself on intelligence and knowledge. But I reached a point where I kind of dropped off the face of the earth and it took me a few years to climb back out of that black hole. And now I find myself lost on and off in my daily life. I listen to people talk on campus and realize I dont comprehend a good amount of what they are talking about. And it scares me. I dont want to be that person. I worry some days that my friends will realize im slow and shallow and want nothing to do with me. Im hoping that awareness of all of this as well as being a functioning member of society again will help me get to a point where I am comfortable.

I have accepted and moved past insecurities surrounding other parts of myself. My personality can be intense and overbearing; im clingy and crave physical contact. I can come off as kind of a creeper, but I mean well. I hope people take the time to get to know me before they cast me off for these reasons. But if they dont take the time I try to just accept that my life is better without them.

Skirting around!

I went shopping yesterday and picked up two skirts and a girls tank, and a pair of fishnets and new laces for derby. Discussing my skirt with a friend she said "every so often i dig up the old skirts I have in my closet, but even just standing there in my room, it makes me feel naked and awkward." And it reminded me of a time, only a year or two ago, when I was trying on my old roommates girly clothes. My roomie and girlfriend at the time both said I looked great, but mentally I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. I panicked, for whatever reason, having those clothes on. And now, such a short time later, im happily purchasing skirts at Old Navy! I still have days where im not 100% comfortable, but those moments typically related to body image issues or worries over visibility of sexual preference. Its quite a good feeling, really :)

Do I smell?

Do I smell bad? I must smell bad, or something. My friends seem to be dropping off like flies. I know its summer and people are busy... but everyone has time to update their facebook status' and whatnot. Yet I cant get a text back from anyone. *shrug* Maybe im just in a generally mopey mood, I dunno. I just want to hang out outside and enjoy the weather. BBQ and bonfire and camp. Watch movies. Be around people. It sucks.

First day of FM!

Tonight was my first night skating at a Fresh Meat practice for RCR. Basically my first time skating just as a skater and not as a ref. It was a great day to start because some girls came over from PFM (Potential Fresh Meat) in Seattle to work with us. SO. MUCH. FUN! I struggled a bit for a while and became frustrated but the PFM girls were awesome and supportive and I learned a lot! I successfully did my first tomahawk stop! The whole evening was superb! All I want to do is skate. I cant wait till I can HIT someone! :-D
The success of the night did, of course, make me miss 89. I actually came home and emailed her out of excitement. I know it will hurt when she doesnt respond, but hitting send on that short note really did feel good. I just wish she was around as a friend to gush about derby to!

Appearance.

Trying to get ready to go out for the day I find myself struggling. I chose to wear guys clothing today. My hair is looking majorly crazy right now and I really need to have SOMETHING in it so I grabbed a black bandana and put it in like a headband. Which isnt as girly as a head scarf, but its still pretty girly looking. And my brain goes to- "Im not going to pick up women this way." No, thats not my main focus of the day. Not even close. But I am conceited enough that I DO care to an extent what I look like when I go out. And I do judge my appearance based on what others think when they look at me.
When I was dykey it didnt matter if a lesbian was attracted to me or not, they still knew I was a lesbian. There wasnt that questioning period. It makes situations quicker and easier. Now im in this weird limbo not really fitting into either category. And even if im inwardly happy with my outward appearance, I struggle with how others perceive me. Im not boyish anymore, but im definatley not a femme, either. So many people out there are specifically looking for one or the other. Not someone who fits a tiny bit into each category.
Im not lacking for companions at the moment and I dont think ill be alone for the rest of my life or any of that nonsense. Its just frusturating to feel like my options are limited by my appearance. I already struggle with other parts of myself that make it hard at times to bring new people into my life.
*sigh* I suppose its all part of the journey...

Decison.

I made a decision. I refuse to give up. I love 89. End of story. Im moving on with my life, but Im NOT giving up. I will win her heart some day.

Ch-ch-ch-change!

Yesterday I went to Yakima and stopped by my old work. Excited to see co-workers I walked up to people smiling and offering hugs. The majority of the time I was met with strange looks and had people walk away. I was upset and hurt for a while until I realized what was happening... people werent recognizing me. When I left work in January I still had super short clipper cut hair and wore only mens clothes. Yesterday I had my hippie skirt on and my dreadies tied up in a scarf. It was a bit strange. In the last 6 months I have changed enough that people I was once fairly close to dont even recognize me. Wow.
You know, im happy with myself. I really am. I dont fit into a box or under a label. But i've stopped trying to explain it all. First of all its really no ones business! Secondly.... I dont necessarily have words for it. But it works for ME, and thats all that matters.
There are times when I waiver. When I think "its so much easier to just fit into one category". I feel awkward hitting on women while im wearing a skirt and a head scarf. But I think part of that is just time. It takes time to adjust. Ive changed a lot in a short period of time and I am finally catching up with myself.

this is why.

so damn perfect.

Grr.

Woke up frustrating myself with "what if" questions and blaming myself. Feeling like MY actions on the night of the drag show were what caused this great divide. I was trying to respect 89's space and let her call the shots and not overwhelm her, and she took it as me being petty and immature. Did I fuck it up then? What should I have done differently?

Goal of the day- real blog post. NOT about her. Imma put on my thinkin cap!

Dandelions. Hot air balloons. Zombies. Roller derby. Music. Comic books. Mac and cheese. Wine. Quail. Cassette tapes. Dinosaurs. Zack G.

Life. Love. Beauty. It all makes me think of you.

Unexpected fun

Yesterday turned out to be a fantastic day! I got a new phone that is not only awesome but cheaper monthly, and went on a last minute voyage to Yakima. That doesn't sound very exciting, I know. But it WAS! I rode over in a car full of people my age or a little younger. And it was fun! We tried to go to Skateland but they were closed. So we haggled some free passes out of them and then met up with some others and hit up the bowling alley and had a blast! And even though some of the people I was with are friends of the love, and 89's name came up often, I did okay! Pretty wonderful :)

Breathing easier through the tears.

Today I am healing. Mentally, that is. Today I will start to slowly gather the pieces of my heart and put them back together. It's been shattered, you see. I spent two amazing weeks with a girl, 89, and I fell in love. And then, for reasons unknown to me, she dissappeared from my life. And I missed her terribly. I spent a few days trying to bring her back, to no avail. Then I spent a couple weeks patiently waiting, hoping she would com around. But I got nothing. Finally I emailed her and asked for her address, because I had bought her a very special, very expensive birthday present. And she didnt reply. So last night I wrote up an email telling her that I was hurt and felt disrespected. I can accept things that I understand. But I dont understand why she left, so I have a very hard time accepting it. Did I scare her off when I told her how I felt? Did she just grow tired of me? Did she find someone new? And if thats the case, why couldnt we still be friends? I am notorious for falling fast and hard for people, but this was a whole new experience. Ive never felt or acted like this toward anyone before. The lengths I would go to for her are undefined. But somewhere, something didnt add up for her. I told her in this email that I wouldnt contact her again, but I would always be around if she ever wanted to be in my life again in any form. I told her that I loved her. And attached song lyrics. Then I said goodbye and hit the send button. I deleted her contact info and pictures from my email and phone. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Ive been crying since she stopped talking to me, its nothing new. But this was a new kind of tears. I woke up this morning still crying. But I was breathing easier. Breathing easier through my tears. So now I must let myself mend. I will never completely give up. I will always hold that small fire of hope that she will come back to me. But I must let myself move on.



How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

You reject my... advances... and desperate pleas...
I won't let you... let me down... so easily.
So easily.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

Texas and such.

Im home. Im exhausted, and feeling a little down. Its like waking up sober on Monday after drinking all weekend. Except my body isn't missing alcohol, my heart is missing my best friend and my dog.
I dont even know where to start. Ive wanted to write all week but havent had time, and I dont currently have my laptop which makes it a bit more difficult. So now my thoughts are so jumbled I doubt they will come out in any sort of organized fashion.

I was on the brink of getting sick the day before I left for Texas. I started chugging Emergen-C and ended up warding off the cold though I did (and still do) have a hell of a cough. Getting Rupert and myself into the airport and on the plane actually wasnt bad at all. I enjoyed the flight down. I sat next to a window near the wing and stared out of it most of the flight. The concept is amazing to me. Traveling at around 550 mph and looking DOWN on the clouds. The view of Mt Rainer was fantastic. I saw amazing intricate designs in the landscape along the way. Its interesting how we can view other areas so harshly but when you are flying above the country there was simply no possibly way for me to tell where state lines were and such. So I enjoyed the flight. The plane seemed to hover at a very uncomfortable altitude for a good 30 minutes before landing and it gave me quite a headache. My only complaint as far as the flying goes! Rupert did great he was thrilled to see me when I found him once we landed in Dallas. I took him out for a potty break and as I was walking back towards the airport I saw CS get out of a car. My heart leapt so much I didnt think I would ever get it back! And hugging her was quite possibly the best feeling ive had in months. Pure bliss :) Rupert and his mommy finally re-united was a very sweet sight as well :)
I have to admit, Austin wasnt bad. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit. Its very un-Texan. I wouldnt be interested in venturing outside of Austin city limits, thats for sure. But I did have a lot of fun there. I would consider moving if I didnt think I would die in the heat when August came around. It stayed between 95 and 103 the entire time I was there and its only June. No thanks! But other than the heat, it was cool. I got a tye-dye shirt that says "Keep Austin Weird" its like the town motto :) We swam a lot and I got a decent burn on my chest and back and thighs and legs. I was hoping for that though, so I cant complain too much! Rupert got to go on his first bus ride which was a lot of fun! MC started taking him jogging which he really enjoys, so that is good for both of them! I think it will take him time to get used to the heat but he seems to be doing alright so far.

We went to a Texas Rollergirls home bout and that was a BLAST for me! We sat on the floor right next to the track and I got my picture taken with some of the Hell Marys! Afterwards CS and I stopped by the afterparty and then went and walked 6th Street in Austin which was pretty awesome. They close down the street every weekend and its pretty much just a giant party, lots of fun!
We went to Barton Springs which is a natural spring that they build a pool around by putting up cement walls and walks and diving boards and a lifeguard station. Its still a natural area, there are water plants and everything growing in it. It stays 68 degrees year round. Very cool place. After the springs we went to a weekly drum circle that was really cool. Just hung out and listend to the music and watched people hoop and other such things. Very calming.

We went up to South Congress and checked out some fun shops and food places. I had fantastic fajitas, shaved ice, and a cupcake all of of little trailer park food stands :) CS came with me to a Rollergirls practice which was pretty neat. It was really cool to watch them practice but (as seems to be a common problem) I didnt feel included much at all, only one or two people even introduced themselves and no one made much of an effort to further contact. Oh well, it was fun anyways!

My birthday was Tuesday and my Godmother Carolle and her husband pick up CS and MC and I and we went to Fredericksberg for the day. Had lunch at a really cool brewery and then looked at all the shops and stopped at a winery and did wine tasting on the way home! And then just Carolle and I went out to dinner and went to see the bats which is a crazy experience. More than a million bats emerge from under a bride at sunset during the summer in Austin. It looks like black smoke filling the sky. So very cool. After that Carolle and I stopped by the very first Whole Foods which was rad!

We got quite a late start on my dreads (the day I had to leave) and between CS and MC they only had time to get 22 out of 46 finished. So ive got some work to do to finish them! I tried to do one myself to no avail :-( I am a bit worried about the length, theres a good chance my hair is too short for them to stay, but im giving it all the effort ive got!

I wore a skirt to the airport on the way home because of my sunburn and it ended up causing a full body pat-down because it wasnt close-fitting. Note to self, ugh. The flight from Austin to Pheonix was short and sweet and from Pheonix to Seattle I pretty much slept through. Christine picked me up from the airport and I hung out with her and Amara yesterday and then caught a ride home today with my mom who happened to be going through Eburg, nice timing.
So now im home. And im tired. I got here and Dash was so super excited to see me, he has barely gotten off my lap since ive been home. It was very weird not to be greeted by Rupert when I walked through the door. Im going to miss that.

Leaving CS was.... heartbreaking. I held it together mostly until I got on the plane and as we took off the very first song to randomly come on my ipod was an Adele song that makes us both cry. I plan to go to Austin twice a year. Im not willing to go longer than that without seeing her, its just too hard for me. And ill miss Rupert too.

I start school on Monday. I wont have money until the 27th so I wont have books for class this week. I hope I can get around it. Lynn will be staying with me this week as well, and then shes leaving next Sunday to go home for the summer. Next weekend is Pride weekend and ive got a lot to sort out surrounding that, but right now I think its time to crawl into my nice cozy bed with my doggy and SLEEP.

Countdown to Austin :)

Its almost bed time. In about 8 hours I will be leaving Eburg headed for SeaTac. Im so ready for this. I NEED this. My stress level in relation to traveling is actually very low. Once I get Rupert on the plane I have no worries whatsoever. I dont have much money for the trip, but it doesnt really matter. I just want to have fun. Get my dreads done. Hit up an awesome drum circle and possibly a really cool UU church. Have dinner with my Godmother. Go to a kick-ass derby bout. See the sights and take lots of pictures. But mostly just relax in the pool and have fun with my best friend. And forget everything else for a while :)

Im mad at you.

Im mad at you, 89. Im mad at you for giving me a wonderful 2 weeks and then dropping off the face of the earth. Im mad at you for telling me how much you cared about me but not following through. Im mad at you for telling me that you trusted me and wanted to always be honest with me, and then for being too scared to tell me why you left. Im not really mad at you. Im just hurt and heartbroken. Im mad at myself. Im mad at myself for falling for you so quickly and without reason. Im mad at myself for telling you how I felt when I knew it was too soon. Im not really mad at myself. I live with my heart and must accept the consequences. I just wish I could understand. I wish you had given me that chance and respect.

Its not a fun party

I wish I was an artist so I could express my own emotions rather than having to search through google images -_-

I leave for Austin the day after tomorrow. Im so ready for this break! This week has been an emotional struggle for me and I cant wait to walk off that plane and give my CS the longest hug of her life! Im nowhere near ready to go yet, physically. I have things to buy and havent even started packing, really. But with all of the stuff going on recently ive stopped worrying about the emotional politics of my visit, which is quite a relief. Although I must say if I didnt have to deal with some of the crap here I would gladly give that up as well.

I really am a prodominantly happy person! Why waste your time crying when you could be laughing!? I try to make the best out of any situation. But when my heart is involved... its a lost cause. And that, by itself, is incredibly frusturating to me. So on top of being heartbroken I end up annoyed with my own emotions. And it turns into an awful little self-fueling pity party. Im not a fan of those parties. They are no fun for me or anyone around me. I snap out of my typical funks super quick. But these ones... not so much. Im really hoping the escape to Texas will not only make me forget for a week, but that the high will continue when I come back. It will help that by the time I get back to the Burg 89 will be gone. And I will have birthday celebrations and Pride and BBQ's and starting school.... all sorts of fun things to look forward to. So, fingers crossed I guess.

Do you speak English?

Saw this on FB this morn. Further proof that English is of the devil!

Not my poem, but if you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far,
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Lesbian dance orgy!

Well that was an exhausting two days! Awesome, but exhausting. The professional drag show was FANTASTIC. Seriously, the shows at CWU are better than 90% of the shows i've PAID to see. People here just pack the place and get soooo excited! I love it :) My throat was aching from screaming so loud! After the show we hit the bars with the Queens and Gays and it was great :) Drinks at the Starlight and a crazy lesbian dance orgy at 301!

Went out again last night for my Eburg Birthday. I was a little upset/annoyed. I planned a night out in Ellensburg because a number of people told me they couldnt come out with me in Seattle. A few of the derby girls encouraged me to go out in Eburg and we decided on everyone wearing their derby gear to the bars and I was psyched. ONE girl stopped by. And she came because she has become a friend OUTSIDE of derby. None of the other girls showed. It hurt a bit. But the people that did come were awesome and we had fun and had another lesbian dance orgy. That might be my new favorite past time. I had a blast to say the least, and made some new friends :) Im quite partied out at this point though, and looking forward to a chill b-day BBQ for Ang at her house today.

I have been a bit up and down emotionally the past couple days. Its girl related, as tends to happen with me. But when you lead life with your heart you've got to be prepared for heartache. I gave it everything I had and it didnt work out. Im sad but theres really nothing I can do except be thankful she was part of my life for a short time and wish her the best in the world. If I didnt let myself feel emotions the way I do, I wouldnt be me!

FIVE DAYS till Austin!!!

I should have never told her how I felt. But I dont believe in hiding my emotions. I think people should know how I feel about them. But it appears that in this case all I did was manage to scare her off. And now all I can do is cry.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

yes.

Im in that place I go to mentally at the moment. Im surrounded by noise and activity but not really registering any of it. Ive retreated to a semi-docile corner with my iPod. Im not sad or depressed. Sometimes my brain just needs time to reset. Especially right now with so many things going on. Its so easy to get overwhelmed. I have a lot of words in my head but I doubt that I will be able to put them in here sucessfully today.
Last night was Queer Peoples Choice Awards. A bit of a flop, but it was a learning experience. My first time signing a song on stage. I dont remember it at all, so im not sure how I did. Some fairly serious drama happened after the performance that I was not a part of but feel like I need to take a part in resolving. I will deal with it next week when Pride is over. My wallet also dissapeared during the show last night. Which was an awfully upsetting thing due to the fact a good portion of my vacation money was in there plus my ID, SS card, USARS (derby insurance) card... stuff I need for Texas. Thankfully today someone turned it into the lost and found. The cash is gone but I have everything else, and im thankful for that. I hope whoever took the money needed it. For groceries or textbooks or diapers... or even to take a pretty girl on a date. Just not for drugs or alcohol or video games, prefferably.
The amature drag show was this morning and the professional show is tonight. So its a good day, im just really out of it at the moment. I will snap back. Im frusturated because I dont know what I need to come back to the real world. So I just have to wait until I figure it out. Grr.

Im leaving for Austin in 7 days. Im ready for the time away. And time with my CS. The excitement is taking over the anxiety for sure. Even though I will have less money than I was hoping to take, im sure I will still enjoy myself thoroughly. Then as soon as I get back I will be starting classes as a Non-Matriculating (non degree-seeking) student. And then the next weekend is Seattle Pride and my birthday celebration on the west side. This is needed. Im really hoping my school loan comes in by then. If not im borrowing money until it does. This month... this is my month. This is my time to BREATHE and to LIVE. And to love :) If everything works out my three beautiful women will all be spending time with me at Pride :) I only have 6 more days with one of them and in the mean time she is insanely busy with school and we barely see each other. Im having a hard time with it. Im crazy about her and just want to steal her away until the end of time. But life doesnt work that way and shes got to focus on graduating right now.
Lynn will be staying through Pride weekend which will be very nice :) Shes actually going to stay with me the last week in June. And then she will be back in the fall. And FA, of course, is here to stay.
Ive been making friends in large quanitities recently and its been a wonderful experience. The more people in my life the BETTER!
Ok. Thats all the brainpower I have right now :)

Waiting, labels, and love

Im waiting. Im not a patient person at all. Waiting is an awful game for me, especially if I am waiting for something important. Which I am.
I took my Compass math test this morning as the last piece of my college admissions puzzle. I have spent the past week studying like mad online and felt that I learned a signifigant bit. I found out fairly quickly today, though, that it wasnt quite enough. I was nearly in tears for a good portion of the test. There were 25 questions. I completely guessed on 15 of them, I was clueless. I didnt even understand the question much less know the answer. I felt fairly confident with 7 of them. And the other 3 I think I may have got right but im not sure. I ended up getting a 43 and you need a 50 to get into Pre-Algebra. Immediatley after finishing the test I went to admissions to fight for my life. I was told that my scores actually werent THAT bad. I met the admissions director and he will be reviewing my file today and calling me in the afternoon. So now I wait. And try to cope with one helluva stress headache! -_-

I attended Speed Race-ing yesterday on campus. Everyone wore nametags on which they had written various personal labels. We went around the room and asked people questions about their labels. This event was fantastic and a goal of mine next school year will be to host it once again and hope for a higher attendance rate. I created a FB event with the same general idea, and I am considering wearing a nametag daily, just to get people thinking. My tag yesterday read: "Female. Lesbian. Polyamorus. Adopted. Roller Derby Referee. Aspiring ASL Interpereter. Dated a Deaf woman. Ex Domestic Partner had Cerebral Palsy. Neurological Disorder." I have swapped Lesbian for Femme Dyke, added Raised Catholic, and taken out the two about previous relationships. I am happy with how my tag looks for now :)

My relationships have been fluctuating a lot in the past week. I am trying to enjoy the fluidity and not dwell on the specifics. Summer is coming and soon two of the women I am involved with will be leaving. One will come back in the fall, one will not. There are more women in my periphery with whom the future has yet to be told.
My heart has a tendancy race in front of my head, and I end up digging myself out of emotional holes a lot. I dont try to control my heart. It would be a waste of time. I follow it blindly and take the joy that comes with the pain. My heart is innocent and unbiased and slightly ADHD. It doesnt think before it acts. It experiences love in all forms and at all speeds. As intense immediate enthrallment and as slow building comfort. Sometimes it pulses so strongly that I feel I cant breathe. I am thankful that I can feel and love, even when it is exhausting and confusing.

The experience of going from continued monogamy to polyamory has been very liberating. I feel free and happy. There are small stressors that poke their way through on occasion. Reminants of habitual monogamy and my general nature. I worry that I wont give someone enough attention. That I will give someone else too much. I worry about jealousy and about seeming selfish. I worry that I will become attached to each person in different ways and the others will feel neglected or under-appreciated. I am full of love and passion and honesty. But I have a terrible fear of hurting people and I worry it will hinder me in my relationships.

I leave for Austin in 15 days. As time passes I become increasingly nervous/anxious and excited. I cant wait to be out of town and seeing my best friend for the first time in 6 months. I look to the skies and ask whatever powers are out there that the flight down goes smoothly for both Rupert and I and that the visit is stress-free and full of memories.

Well.... off to do more waiting!

overwhelmed.

im feeling overwhelmed. just at this very moment. for the past few minutes. i will be fine. there is just so much going on.

im waiting to hear about my CWU admissions. i have to take the compass math text next wednesday. im spending a LOT of time doing online math tutoring. but im scared. i dont know WHAT i'll do if i dont get into school.
a person came to look at buying my car today. her son in law was with her and saw my tattoo and he worked in a Deaf alcohol rehab program in vancouver for 20 years. we chatted and signed. he said he loves the culture but i shouldnt get too attahched because Deaf people will never TRULY like me. no matter how much i try they will always talk crap about me behind my back because im hearing. he bragged so much about all of the awesome Deaf events and the community, and said its amazing... as long as youre Deaf yourself.
BK (my dads girlfriend) is here. her things will be here in 9 hours. the house is almost completely empty. dad is taking so much of his stuff out to make room for hers. its such a weird feeling. i like having her here. just odd.
all the commotion has rupert quite wound up. he has no idea whats coming. he will be on a plane in 21 days.
im so excited to go to texas. so ready to be out of ellensburg for a while and in a place where my heart will feel calm. with my best friend. im also nervous. its been a long time since ive seen her. and i miss her so much. im sure she have changed. we both have. preparations to travel are stressful as well. i just want the trip to be fantastic.
im excited to spend my birthday in texas. i havent had an awesome birthday since i was 17. i will do something here in eburg before i go to texas. and then i will have a bday party in seattle the same weekend as pride. im excited for this. i hope its an amazing birthday all around.
the girl i was involved with and i have resigned to friendship. we hung out for a short time once this week. we might chill this weekend. i dont know where we stand. i hope nothing has changed.
a lovely girl stayed with me sunday night. i went to her place on tuesday. she had to cancel plans on wednesday. i asked her over for pizza on saturday and she hasnt responded. shes moving to seattle in 3 weeks. i know she doesnt want anything serious. she doesnt want a girlfriend at all. i like her and would like to keep her around in some way. at least as a friend. i guess time will tell.
a friend and i hung out yesterday and ended up kissing. we talked after and have agreed to date. we hung out today. shes very sweet. things may move a bit slower with her, but im okay with that.
i havent skated in a week because my skates are getting stretched. i should get them back tomorrow. i need them. i need that feeling in my body. i havent been to a practice all week between not having skates and being busy at home. i miss people.
i am considering signing a song for Queer People Choice Awards at CWU pride the end of this month. i want to very badly. but i dont know if i could pull it off.
i wore a skirt all day today. and ive given up shoes (at least while in town). my hair is getting longer. i cross my fingers the dreads will stick. but i dont mind the long hair as much as i thought i would.
someone tried to kill a bug outside today and i said "stop! that bug didnt do anything to you!"
i also spent a signifigant ammount of time in boxers and a sports bra laying on the roof in the sun today.

i feel the need to keep this blog a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the changes in my life and my journey as a whole. i do not want it to become a droning day to day recount of my activities. thats what facebook is for. thats what conversation is for. this blog is more than that. this is where i need to channel all the emotions i have consuming me at times, like right now.

i feel liberated in many ways. but i am very tired.

Derrrrrby

Feeling a little achey today! Went to skateland and skated on and off for 2 hours on Wednesday and had a 4 hour practice yesterday and skated about 2 hours out of the 4. I wish I had been able to skate more but I was wearing new skates and they were hurting quite a bit. On Tuesday at practice my skates gave out and one of the wheels kept messing up really bad. I dont feel safe on them anymore. So one of the girls had a spare pair of skates and let me try them and WOW im in love! Its like a whole new experience! But I have wide feet and the pinch, so I took them to the shoe guy here in town and hes going to stretch them for me. I wont have skates for a week but its gonna be worth it. Im buying them as well as a mouthguard from the girl and im pretty psyched! Yesterday I got to take part in a hitting drill and it was AWESOME! I got knocked on my ass and couldnt feel better about it.
Headed to Roslyn with Rosie tonight to see Vicci! Sunday im having all the derby girls plus friends and family over for a bbq.

Okay my brain is all over the place, im out!

Back to the diet, school stuffs

Im exhausted. I skated for a good portion of practice and then rode my bike home. I can barely move now! I have to keep reminding myself that not only will it build up my endurance (which really needs some help), but it will also help me get back on track with weight loss. I was doing really well and then got into this pseudo-relationship and it all kinda went to shit! Too much time spent in diners, lol. She wants to diet as well though, so hopefully we can work together. If im riding my bike and skating daily and can lay off the restaurant food I should do alright. I would love to lose at least 30lbs by the end of summer. I want to find a way to reward myself, like a trip to the beach or the hot springs. Its really hard for me to accomplish things without and incentive. So we'll see what happens. I need to start tracking on Spark again.

I got approved for my Sallie Mae loan today with Dad as a co-signer. Also put in requests to my high school and community college to transfer transcripts to CWU. So now I just have to wait for the official admissions answer. I guess my aunt Connie (who used to work in admissions) made a few calls today so im hopeful. And she said if I DONT get in for some reason that there is a program where I can take like 9 credits a quarter until I prove that I can keep my GPA at a certain level and then they will grant me full time admission. So either way hopefully ill be in classes next month!

Mothers day.

Its mothers day.

I hadnt thought much of it this week. Mostly "Damn, im going to miss derby practice." My Gramma is coming over to my Aunts house and we are having meatloaf. I like hanging out with my Gramma, even though shes definatley getting pretty senile (she IS 90, after all). I actually planned a BBQ for this evening, having a handful of people over for burgers and movies.
I woke up this morning and posted Happy Mothers Day on the wall of a couple women who have been especially good to me. And of course to Mary, my bio-mom. When it comes right down to it, shes the reason im here. So that got me reflecting a bit. I am eternally thankful to Mary. I love my bio family and am greatful they are in my life, I wouldnt change that for the world. But I am exactley where I need to be in the world. Mary gave me life when she gave birth to me, and she gave me life a second time when she gave me up for adoption. I had a wonderful childhood and loving parents. And now I am able to share my life with both of those families.

I miss my mom. Shes been gone five and a half years now. Most days im fine. I broke down and cried today. I got on youtube and listen to Kanye West- Hey Mama. It came out the same week we found out my mom was sick the last time. The day she died I played it on repeat for 6 hours. I played it at her funeral.
My dad is in Montana right now. In nine days he will be arriving here with a moving truck and his girlfriend. I really like BK, shes great. And im so happy for my dad. But its hard for me when he says things like "I've thought about her for so long. Every time I drove though Montanna. But I couldnt ever stop and look her up because I was with your mom." That stings. I love my dad with all my heart and im glad hes happy. But I still miss my mom. And im not willing to let her go.

Gender and sexuality, religion and spirituality...

While sorting through the garage today I came across a poster that a friend of mine bought me a few years ago. I thought I had lost it in one of my moves and was excited to find it! The image is at the bottom of this post so that the text on the right doesnt interfere with it. Visit the Syracuse Cultural Workers website if you like the poster to find many more amazing things!
Finding it today was a good tie-in with many of the emotions ive been having. I feel comfortable in my gender identity, but I most definitely believe in the fluidity of gender as well as sexuality. I like the quote that says "Talk to a femme dyke about how she experiences power through her gender identity." I was saying a few days ago that emotionally and mentally I am insanely girly and feminine. But on the outside my appearance tends to be dykey or "butch". Im in a transitional place right now and cant say where I will end up staying, if I stay at all. I may just jump and flow and live in the experience.
Im still working on focusing internally on what I need and want and like as opposed to what others like, or what I perceive others to like. It is a daily struggle for me because I have spent my life being a people pleaser to the point of not knowing myself at all. That is why I am on this journey.
Delving into the gender spectrum is very interesting. It ties in well with views on sexuality fluidity and foray into the Polyamorous lifestyle. The new people I have been meeting recently as well as some old friends I have come back into contact with have all shared wonderful varying viewpoints and lifestyles. The open minds and hearts make my soul soar with happiness.
I will soon be undertaking a serious look into spirituality and religion. I have always accepted and appreciated my Catholic faith. I have NOT always agreed with the views of the church. Far from it. But the rituality and structure of Mass has been ingrained in me from a very age and I am comfortable in it. But I have always appreciated other faiths and held a strong interest in them. Even though I classify myself as Catholic, my views do not mirror those of the church. I believe that there is an entity above all of us (not above as in heaven necessarily, I just mean something more than simply people); be that entity a God or Goddess, Mother Nature, or maybe a mixture of all those things. I believe that no matter what God you pray to, they are all the same. I believe that no one person can judge another and that whatever power is out there is not there to judge us. And that all we can do in life is live it the best way we can as individuals. To love and care and give. With all of these ideas meshing in my head I will be researching various forms of Christianity and Paganism and hope to, in time, find a place where my mind and soul both feel fulfilled.

Take a moment to read the quotes on this poster and really think about them. If you dont understand a term, look it up! Begin to educate yourself on the Gender Binary and the issues surrounding gender these days! (And if you like the poster remember to check out the Syracuse Cultural Workers website!)

Dad + School = GRRRR

My dad is driving me up the wall currently. Money and school are constant fights for us, especially when they are connected. He wants me to go to school. But the government wont give me money because I am still under his tax information. So he offers to pay for school. But I know he cant afford it. Then he expects me to have a full time job while attending school, which WONT work for me because I will flunk out like the last two times I tried that. So I finally get my application in for school and apply for a secondary loan for summer quarter. At first he wont cosign. Then finally his girlfriend tells him he needs to. And now he is refusing to give the loan company his financial information because "Its none of their business." Im never going to fucking get into school! GRRRR!

*think happy thoughts*!!!!

Saturday morning my dad is leaving at like 4am and he wont be back until the 17th. When he comes back his girlfriend will be with him and here for good. So he wont be leaving for random trips to Montana anymore, just whatever vacations/trips they decide to go on.

Happiness did come today in the way of derby practice! I was super proud of myself today. There were three inch jumps set up and I wasnt even going to attempt it but the girls encouraged me to try. So I did and after a couple falls I made it! I jumped all four of them! That was very exciting for me. We also got the date for the first Exhibition Bout set up which is FANTASTIC but also sad because its Seattle Pride weekend so I wont be in town, boo! :-(

Bit of a brain freeze. Im gonna take the opportunity to go to bed before 2am :)

Identity struggles

I found myself struggling today. I attended an EQuAL meeting and afterwards a Guess The Straight panel. The entire time I felt myself missing my "dykey-ness". Dont get me wrong, im still quite dykey. But im nearing closer to the feminine side. I cant really say im androgynous, but rather balancing the line in between with a foot on each side. Today I wore mens tennis shoes, fitted mens jeans, and a sweatshirt. Under my sweatshirt was a 3/4 sleeve girls t-shirt and my push up bra. I had a hippie-ish headband in my hair. I will soon have a hippie skirt arriving in the mail that I am thrilled to wear around the house. And I am definatley not against wearing it in public. I dont care what anyone thinks of how I look. And yet for some reason I find myself really missing my short hair and boys clothes. The dyke persona. Im the girliest, femmiest person in the butchiest body. Its really a brain trip sometimes! This is one of the reasons I want to lose weight. Because I think if I am thin I will be comfy in girls tops and boys bottoms and be able to have the best of both worlds at the same time.
Im trying hard to judge how much of what im feeling is coming from how I perceive others to see me and how I truly see myself. I feel like others find me more attractive as a butch and I feel more attractive to others that way. When I become more feminine, I feel as though I become invisible. Same with my hair, the longer it becomes the more ackward I feel. The hair growth itself will have to stick because I want my dreads. I wonder how the hair will impact my view of myself. Ive never seen a really butchy girl with dreads.
Rosie tells me im silly and am overthinking this. My friend Lynn says mostly the same. Im sure they are right, but I cant help where my brain wanders to.

Ramblings.

Im starting to feel BUSY- its wonderful! I will be attending derby practices 5 days a week now! Doing my best to learn everything I can to be an efficient and effective official! Today will be my first day on skates at practice! I got the insurance thing taken care of this morning, and im SO excited! Yesterday we had an RCR team against team scrimmage and it was AWESOME! I was so proud of all those girls! I really am starting to feel like I am a part of something now, and its wonderful! On Saturday I went to Skateland with Rosie and Zach and had a blast. Felt like a total dork in my derby gear but it was worth it! Im totally comfortable forwards skating in derby stance, and doing a standing crossover on the corners, YAY!
With starting the 5 day a week practices will also come re-instating my diet! This NEEDS to happen! I was doing great and very proud of myself, and I got distracted. Time to get back on track! Skating daily and riding my bike will be a big help. Im already fitting into clothes I havent in years. I also bought a real bra this weekend and that has helped me feel a little better about wearing tighter clothes. It may be silly, but its part of a process to make me happy with myself!



I actually bought a headband as well, mostly just for practicality. My hair is long enough now that it is driving me CRAZY getting into my eyes! And I still have a few inches to go! The baking soda and ACV is going well so far. I decided not to pre-mix a big batch anymore, I will mix before each shower. I stopped brushing my hair as of yesterday out of curiosity to see if it will lock up on its own or not. Its thick and has some curl to it so it may, but I play with it so much that it might just keep the tangles out!
I emailed Lish the hair goddess to inquire about her pricing and length requirements and if she would be willing to work on a kids hair. At this point I plan to have my hair done when I go to Texas and am not sure about Charlie, but I did want to at least get in touch with Lish and see what she thought. Shes down to work on Char as well as Rosie and I and is only charging $75/hr to start dreads. So its something to keep in mind depending on future situations. She said she preffers shoulder length hair but will sometimes start at chin length. Ive got a ways to go either way!

The end of this week held some stressful moments for me. Ive been talking to people a lot recently, thinking about and picking apart some situations from the past. I dont spent time in regret and try to always look forward. But I believe that in order to sucessfully grow in life we have to be able to look at where we have been and see why things worked or didnt work. I was told by many people this past weekend that they see me changing for the worse. That I am a selfish, uncaring person headed down a dangeous road. It was very hard for me to hear these things because the part of myself that I am most proud of is my caring nature. I dont like to be judged. I have been told that I am changing to suit new people in my life. Well, I AM changing. I am changing in many ways. I continue to learn more about myself each day. But the only person I am changing for is MYSELF. There is no way to know if something will be right for me if I do not try it first hand. I am thankful of the people in my life who can support me through these changes. To the others, I know they mean well. I hope in time they will understand.


Most days right now i'm just hanging out enjoying life and going with the flow. And then some days I feel like I am alive inside myself inside of the world. It is an amazing, intense feeling. I question and disect and work towards understanding of myself and everything that surrounds me. I love the moments where I can sit back and feel everything slip away and realize "I am happy." I am so used to constant stress and worry. Always jumping through hoops to make sure things are done right. And now I am able to enjoy the ride for the most part. One of the times I can feel it the most is when the stress DOES come back. It used to be a common feeling. Now it is more foreign and upsets me when I feel it; im thankful for that. I feel amazingly at peace most of the time now.

Of the many changes I am making I dont know what will stick and what will continue to evolve, or go back to normal. On the minute level, I stopped using Tom's deoderant, I dont like it and it doesnt work and it makes me break out. But yet the no-shampoo thing is working wonderfully so far. Im feeling alright with not shaving right now, but I dont know if I will remain happy with it. All of the people I have met and continue to meet are absolutely amazing, and I hope that they will always remain in my life. I am still absolutley certain of idetifying as Polyamorus. I have hurt people in the past by getting into relationships and at some point down the line realizing that while I loved them I was not fully happy. The realization of this as a recurring part of my relationships as well as my introduction to Polyamory fit together seamlessly. The universe aligned for me on that one. It hurts me so much to hurt others. And being aware of this part of myself I truly believe will help me from doing that. I still want all the same things I have always wanted. I want to eventually settle down with a girl and have a house and kids. But I will also have girlfriends. Not "fuck buddies" of "friends with benefits". But functioning relationships with a different level of commitment from my primary partner. I truly feel that being honest about this from the start with any new partner will lead to less heartbreak (at least in relation to fidelity) in the future.
The ammount of stress this takes out of a situation can be amazing. Im involved with someone right now and its fantastic. There are no expectations. There is no jealousy. We could go out together, meet different people, and leave seperatley, and then have coffee the next day with no problems. I dont have to worry or stress about her reaction to anything. I can truly live for ME, and there is someone there to share moments with too. Its definatley a good feeling.

I found out yesterday that Rainbow Gathering will be in Washington this year. Ive been waiting since I was like 13 to go to RGOLL, and am so excited I will finally be able to go! The planning has begun! :)

Lil bro.

Starting to get more excited every day about my dreads. Spent probably four hours on GUDU this morning just lurking, reading, admiring... such beautiful hair on beautiful people with beautiful souls! A few months and I will be there! Im learning as much as I can now for myself and also for my little bro. Im excited to get him ready to take care of his own hair once his dreads are done the right way.

Sept 2010 and April 2011

In the mean time im trying to work on getting him to open up to the world a bit more. He was the COOLEST kid growing up. Always very intuitive and empathetic. But I havent seen him in almost two years now, and hes grown a bit brash, lol. He's always had an intrest in weapons and wanted to join the military. He's 11 now though and im worried that he is learning a lot about one side of things. The flip side of his personality is a love for nature, obsession with dreadlocks, joy in making his own juice with a juicer. He's half hippie half war head. Its quite a mix! But hes a fantastic person. Hes so smart at such a young age. Im excited for him to learn and grow.
I am encouraging him the best I can to learn more about the world. To know he can have intrests in MANY areas and not have to pick one narrow way of life. He is very intelligent and is gonna grow up and do something awesome for sure. I want him to be able to learn both sides of a situation and debate the pros and cons. He will really be able to go far in life. They're good boys.

My fav pic of boys and I, soon after we met, July 2005-ish

One of the last times I saw them, August 2009

Boys Dec 2010

The day gets better :)

Woke up a little out of it and had an emotional morning... Talked to my Sunshine and that helped as always though it also made me incredibly antsy to go to Texas! Im not a patient person at all and its been six months since ive seen her. I miss that girl! So after a video chat I got ready and chilled with Rosie for a while, went out to dinner. Didnt hit the skate park today because it was rainy and windy and cold! Went to derby practice and was feeling like a useless fly on the wall as usual. Ive had a really hard time connecting there for some reason, which is very unlike me. So a little while into practice I got called up to help and was actually involved in the majority of it and it felt GREAT! Im so excited to get on skates, im really hoping to have my insurance forms back by Monday evening so I can skate at practice! Im planning on buying new elbow pads and wrist guards this weekend. Saturday Rosie and I are going to Yakima to meet up with Zach and hit SkateLand, super psyched for this! Ive been skating on cement so im curious how the slick floor will treat me lol. Then after that we're hitting up a coffee shop with some ASL students/friends of Zach's so that should be fun. Mary is coming into town Friday and ill probably hang out with her. And Sunday is scrimmage day between our two local derby teams. So a fun weekend :)
I super duper need to clean the house and organize my room this week. My Dad will be home early next week and we are trying to get the house emptied and ready for BK (his girlfriend, Bette Kay) to move all of her things over on the 16th of May! Combining two full households is quite an experience!
Getting more excited daily for my dreads! Worried about my derby helmet, I might need a bigger size... but im determined to make it work! My little brother's mom made him shave his dreads off and hes PISSED and im not thrilled either. So I told him that when it grows out to 4-5 inches I will help him do it the right way. So that will be cool to look forward to.
Okay im tired, bed time!

Roslyn Recoup!

Im still recouping from the weekend, lol. It seems to take a while to feel normal again after a weekend in Roslyn lol. It was amazing and totally worth it though, of course. Rosie and I got to Roslyn Saturday evening in time for the adult oriented Easter egg hunt and pinatas. It was a blast to have a group of drunken people running around the street digging for plastic eggs and swinging broomsticks at paper mache'd balloons. What was even more entertaining were the eggs filled with temporary tattoos, brownies, creepy Easter candies, and Nicorette gum. And of course the pinatas filled with various candy, lip gloss, toothbrushes, and mini bottles of alcohol. Good times diving across the floor for that shit! Trish and Gus did a few songs, they were good and it was fun. Then SSR came in and of course Reny and Bell were awesome. I had a blast drinking and dancing with everyone! Ang actually has a quite hilarious video of me dancing like an idiot that I need to get ahold of lol. I met some wonderful new people, and re-connected with some others. I ran into an amazing old friend of mine, Kass, that ive known since I was 5 years old. Turns out shes Trish's mom! Good grief, small world! It was wonderful to see Kass again, its been quite a few years. She immediately remembered that it was recently my mom's birthday. Made me very happy. Friday night wrapped up, Rosie went home, and I went to Reny & Bells for a little while and then headed to the Inn which had been reserved for our group. It was a super cute little place! I finally passed out around 3am but a good portion of the people were still partying until almost 8am! I lucked out and only managed to get a mark on my nose and a heart drawn on my sweatshirt, pretty tame punishment in this group for falling asleep early lol.
Woke up Sunday morn and had breakfast at the Pasttime and then headed to Trish's to start it all over again. 11 bottles of champagne and a bottle of vodka later (plus other goodies thrown in the mix) and we were having a pretty good day! Had $5 spaghetti at The Brick, stopped by the Pasttime to say bye to everyone, and crashed at Ang's moms place in Cle Elum.
Got home Monday morning EXHAUSTED! Then had to scramble to get prepared for Rock Against Rape. Headed up to CWU for that and it was AWESOME! I went to all the booths and got a T-shirt and a cool glass. And I really thing the EQuAL booth was awesome! There is talk of making the idea into a program for residence halls so that is super cool! I missed T-Grace and was sad about that but I had to get to Roller Derby practice. Ive missed the past few and especially now that I have almost all of my stuff im making it a POINT not to miss any more! I will be riding my bike to and from practice Monday, Wednesday, Sunday. Its about 5 miles each way. Not too bad but with the 25mph winds and me being out of shape, its quite an exhausting ride for me. But im gonna do it, and its gonna be great. Ive been skating at the skate park nearly every day and I cant wait to get my USARS insurance back and pick up the final pieces of equipment so I can get on skates at practice! Im hoping to go to Skateland this Saturday to get a little practice in on the slick floor.
Tonight The Voice premiered on NBC and Vicci Martinez did a FABULOUS job! Im so excited to see her on tv and so proud of her! She has worked a long time for this! And it was awesome to hear her talking about coming out as a teen and being yourself. There is actually another lesbian on there too, crazy! Very cool tho, I will be glued to the tv Tuesday nights for a while now!
Okay, im EXHAUSTED and ready for bed. Peace out!